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Part One

Working women and how we manage our days are subjects that can inspire thousands to take to their computer.  I can shed a universal truth with you – we are tired.  No matter when they came through, women of all types and ages and ranges are simply pooped.

Let it be noted, men are too and we all do too much.  But I dare say there has never been a time in history where so much is expected out of us females.  As a Mom to three girls (one daughter and two step-daughters) I try to paint the reality for them that they will soon face – it’s their journey and it’s their job to balance for themselves.  Many of us fail miserably at this, I can’t think of one friend, relative or neighbor that is in perfect ‘balance’.

DISCLAIMER:  reference ‘balance’, someone who is content and comfortable with where she is and what she does and how she handles ALL things.

It feels as if there is this quiet expectation set to do it all – not just work and be a Mom but it feels larger than that – as if we are supposed to be like ‘Elizabeth Dole or Hillary Clinton’ (I play no favor to which side of the isle you sit on) creating powerful careers and really making a difference,

‘Martha Stewart’ with homemade goodies and baskets of fresh flowers strewn about the house (the same house that offers incredibly organized and well groomed cabinets and shelves), a Victoria Secret’s model with a curvy body, and even after giving birth to several children, the all important abs of steel and triceps of stone, a PTA Mom that never forgets to sign a report or volunteer for a quick hour or two when needed (and nurtured personal relationships with teachers to help usher her children through school appropriately) and a great entertainer, well put together, pretty much happy and smiling all the time.

Now.

That being said I will share that I think we are the hardest on ourselves.  I would bet most households (including spouse and children) would be totally cool if we scaled back on the expectations, and were ok to just say ‘I just can’t’ or ‘not sure I need to do that’ and really look inside with who we are and where we sit.

Part Two

It’s such a tough balancing act.  I wonder about the struggles of our ancestors, the women who worried about feeding and clothing their children, or guarding against free flowing disease and illness that captured so many so quickly.

It all goes back to what is important and how to define our priorities.

Thanks to Mr. Maslow, we would start with the basics of food, security and safety and work up from there.  Now that we do indeed have our freedoms, the journey is back on us and we need to figure this out without taking on guilt and shame and remorse.

And we need to stop judging.   Someone mentioned to me last week that they couldn’t get over how poorly a friend kept house and were buzzing about it a bit, as this particular Mom doesn’t work full time.

My gut level response is, who the heck cares?  The role we play to support each other should be just that – to support each other and not to compare, contrast and pull each other apart in our assessment of who is doing what and how we stack up.  Silliness.

It seems perspective is always my best friend.  How about the fact that as women, living in today’s world, we have these freedoms? And may I note, many still do not as hard as that it is to believe. It’s tough for today’s environment offers a new set of challenges to face.  Maybe the real answer is learning how to manage all of this while shifting priorities and responsibilities around.  What worked before doesn’t work now.

Things are moving, changing and we are growing.  How wonderful.  How scary.  To help myself out, I made a little chart that provides insight into my decisions.  Listed on the left are expectations, unspoken as well as my personal expectations (which may or may not align with yours) and then I added criteria of ‘How I stack up’ and lastly how much priority I give the expectations.

Wow.  I realized that my assessment changes daily in terms of how I stack up. So it’s not bad, or good, or tough, or easy.  It’s simply life.

Feeling better already, I am going to print this out and put it in my ‘personal items’ folder that includes goals, affirmations, etc. as a reminder that we all change and adjust priorities as needed, and personally, I consider this to be in balance.  After all, we all show up every day and do the best that we can.  That in itself should be recognized.  And embraced.  A hug to you.

Part One

Note to self: the past 24 hours have provided, yet again, a reminder that it is oh-so-important to fill oneself up with the good, the lovely and the positive.

Let’s see, we have the dear friend of mine who ran into her ex and felt terrible about herself ‘all over again’, the neighbor who can’t seem to get in shape and told me ‘to hell with it’ because she doesn’t have the time to focus on herself (four children under the age of six) and the client who was in total (and I mean total) distress as her computer crashed, furthering her missed deadline on a long running, time sensitive project now jeopardizing the promotion that is due to come her way.

And then there is me.  Anxious about pending client work, a wee-bit of Mom nervousness because the last little bird is leaving the coop and my overall direction in midlife as I play with patches and creams and the meaning of ‘why am I here rabbit, oh why?’ I find myself searching out for the good to feel better.  It’s something I actively do and has served me well.

And so I realize that these words, these vehicles that transmit meaning and care and information and assessment all play such a valuable role in our lives.  It is these words that we read that can shock us, surprise us or simply soothe us.  I prefer the latter, remembering my first read of Norman Vincent Peale’s ‘The Power of Positive Thinking’ and the combination of words and feeling positive and how it all came together.

That was my first step into this motivational, let’s-look-at-the-good-side-and-help you-out world.  This has only grown for me, after suffering (ok, I admit, bad choice of words here, I hate the idea of victimization) through a verbally abusive marriage that was so tough on my psyche that I began asking friends and family, ‘am I that bad?  Really, you can tell me the truth.  I have been told that I don’t walk right, and I am a mess, don’t make enough money, blah, blah blah.’  After years of therapy, and a determination to master what was happening to me, I realized that I took these words thrown my way and incorporated them into the fabric of who I was.

I took back my power and left and started over.  It was then that the wah-lah! hit – I needed to feed myself full of positive – anything that helped me reframe was incorporated into my daily world – words in music, words in books, words in quotes, words in articles – all helped me feed that void of knowing that life is actually quite a fabulous entertaining ride and that we are all here to love and be loved.

Part Two

The coolness of this ‘wah-lah’ moment was game changing for me.  I now work to share this with others.  So these words, whether they are thrown our way or shared with us on an email or told to us by ourselves (often the worst at making us internalize and feel bad, I call this your Jiminy Cricket, that little voice that tells you just awful, terrible things that are happening or about to happen) have HUGE power over us.

As a marketer I am well aware that people think in pictures and words do the painting – think of the difference of how you feel after reading, ‘Life is difficult, challenges are many’ and then, ‘You are loved.’  Wow, right?

As I hear those in my world share their angst, I realize how a slight change in these word combinations could change their day.  Seeing one’s ex and managing through that moment is not something I would recommend but hey, it could be worse.  These people that provide us such pain are really our best teachers so if you can think of seeing them with a ‘thanks for teaching me’ and ‘now I am on my way, thank you very much,’ it’ll help you realize that you are back in the drivers seat and on the mend.

For the Mom who has frustrations with her weight, a quick ‘thank you universe for these four healthy children’ combined with a quick reminder, ‘this too shall pass as they will grow, you are doing great and don’t be so hard on yourself’ puts the yuck of the frustration with the lack of free time in place.  The worker bee with OMG galore turned her world around with a realization that she has a job (!) and her delay actually pushed her to get some help (including purchasing an online back-up system) and in the oddest of ways, she was grateful for the panic as it forced her to deal with an issue she has avoided for years.  She used her words of ‘moving forward in my career, no matter the obstacle’ to understand the not-so-unusual issues that work often brings.

For moi?  Perhaps the best for me is what I always share with others – we are indeed, not alone and there is no need to take oneself so dam seriously.  Mr. Jiminy Cricket can stand by, hat in hand, full of gratitude for all that life offers us.  Or, as I often remind him, right now, this very second, as you think about things, or read this or get ready to get out the door, right now someone new is being born (ew, that is clunky language but you get the picture), someone is passing away, someone is falling in love, someone is getting wretched news and someone is laughing with delight.  Here we are, all experiencing this together.

Now that changes ones day. Those are the words that paint the picture I treasure, that of gratitude.  A gentle reminder to watch what you take in and what you allow.  Here’s to your words, your thoughts and your day.  Enjoy!

Part One

Divorce and all it entails.  The reality of it all was exhilarating and filled with fear and terror.  I was sad, angry, exhausted, happy and determined all at the same time.  The moment I realized my marriage was over rocked me to my core.  How the hell am I going to do this, I wondered?  I was Mom to little innocents, ages four and six, I was running a business that employed 20 staff and I was working harder than ever.

When that dreaded moment came, the instant I realized that the tear in our union simply wasn’t going away, I turned the corner to face the inevitable.  And then I became the planner extraordinaire.

I was constantly coming up with plans and possibilities and what-if’s.  I had put the same energy towards our broken union, I had tried it all – therapy, journaling, church counseling, family guidance, friends who listened to me day and night.  From the start, everything I could muster went into saving the marriage.  But I couldn’t do it alone.  Looking back, it was an impossible task, trying to mend and heal this rip that was larger than me, larger than both of us.

In retrospect, I don’t know what I was thinking.  My ultimate goal had been to avoid divorce at all costs, no matter what was going to happen, that wasn’t the outcome I wanted.  It wasn’t about me or my happiness, it was about the children.  I had somehow convinced myself that pushing into a bad relationship for the simple idea that two parents were ‘together’ under one roof, was the sacrificial agenda.  No matter that there was screaming, controlling behaviors, yelling, silence, glaring and unhealthy discussions involving blame and angst, no matter.  Somehow I had convinced myself that my efforts displayed the selflessness that we all must offer when faced with impossible situations.

Like I said, I simply don’t know what I was thinking.  And since I had put so much energy towards the toxic union, the breakdown of the marriage was rather tumultuous.  It was a few years of legal battles, money going to pay bills that made no sense and more lawyers than I can count.  It got done and I moved on.

After the split, moving on became the new agenda.  How to get into a new relationship was the real challenge.  The old relationship and marriage was then, this is now.  Now what?  I looked for a plan to figure out how to trust someone else and have intimacy, without feeling like I was damaged goods or not worthy of a real relationship with a solid and good man.

Part Two

I had a shower moment in the midst of all of this – you know those moments when you get the ah-ha! and find comfort or inspiration from your new thoughts? I  realized that I was the holding block.  I was the issue that held me back.  It was my fear of moving forward, of getting incredibly hurt again that held me up.  I was the one that had to reframe my experience and let it go and let it be.

This was more than just saying to myself ‘ok it’s time.’  It was allowing myself to be vulnerable again. It was facing the fear that it was possible someone would scream at me again while I tried to understand what I had done wrong.  It was owning up to my worries and concerns so I wouldn’t fall into my familiar ‘trying-to-please-at-any-dam-cost’ mode.  And it was owning my path.

My self-talk included ‘I have a voice and a choice’ along with ‘one day at a time, one day at a time.’  Starting over takes courage and inner strength.

There are the divorce flameouts that dismiss any personal change, responsibility or acceptance of their actions.  I was not going to be a flame-out, thank you very much.  I was going to move along this path-o-hell until things got better. Determined, I plodded on, managing the ugginess of it all.

The more I took ownership, the easier it got.  The more I grew, the better things became.  Life began smoothing out and all of the challenges seemed to be manageable. I began rebuilding my world and myself.  It worked!

Let’s just validate this right now – by no means is it easy to face all of this but it sure beats the alternative of sticking your head in the sand while bashing everyone else around you.  From my seat, the blame game is a lose lose.  Was I wronged?  Yes.  Did it suck?  Yes.  Was it painful, humiliating and nasty?  YES.

But you know what?  It was worth it.  I grew, I figured it out and found the courage to face my raw emotions and deeply held thought patterns.

When you embrace your fears, confront your shortcomings and take action, it is the neatest thing, your path curves a bit, it changes to better support you.  You embrace the challenges and then you change.  It is wonderful stuff.

Fifteen years later I easily remember that there was incredible pain, but the edges have softened to the point of faded memories.  The children have enjoyed examples of healthy and productive relationships, we have all been in and out of counseling to manage unexpected emotions, I am happily remarried, and blessed with two stepdaughters. Overall it’s been a fabulous ride.

Looking back, I would wade in it all over again to get through the muck and onto the other side.  There is no greater gift than discovering oneself and being authentic, it is living the quintessential Shakespeare quote, “To thine own self be true.” Being true to you is indeed a gift and a responsibility, do yourself a favor and carry on.  It is well worth it, I think Shakespeare was onto something.

How do you take care of your emotions? Use boundaries and take care of you.  Just as fences are for safe playgrounds, boundaries are for safe relationships.

Part One

Have you heard about the concept of boundaries and how to create more boundaries in your life lately?  Whether this concept was introduced to you through self-help books, divorce groups, 12-step programs, therapty, parenting guides or just a good friend, you probably have tested this concept in some form or fashion.

Setting boundaries is not the same as simply saying “no” to behaviors or requests.  Don’t get me wrong, setting limits on what you will tolerate or how involved you will get is certainly a component of setting boundaries, but it is not as black and white as just affirming your “no’s”.  Boundaries are movable, adaptable means of protecting ourselves in order to maintain healthy and safe relationships.

You might think that the most difficult part of setting boundaries is actually verbalizing this to another person, but once you set yourself up to win, this will be a very easy and freeing part of the process.  Here’s how to begin:

Step One:  Believe in your rights.  Believe you have a right to stand up for yourself.  Let me express that again.  First and foremost you must feel worthy of accepting good, healthy behaviors from others and in turn, rejecting those that compromise your self-worth.  Think of it this way, if you say “yes” to a request or a behavior out of fear (hurting someone’s feelings, they might not like you, you are not good enough to say “no”) you are lacking enough self-worth to set healthy boundaries for yourself.

Have you ever been frustrated watching a family member, friend or colleague take too much grief or accept too much guilt?  For a moment, let’s consider the possibility that someone in your life has had that same frustration because you were the one ‘taking it’.  It is so much easier to see the good and worthiness in others and try to help them see it than it is for us to see it in ourselves.  It is your responsibility to yourself to decide how you will be treated.

A simple trick for this is to remember you are not only doing yourself a favor but you are doing the other person a favor as well – they need their boundaries too.  It’s healthy living and creates healthy relationships.

Next week we’ll focus on steps 2 and 3J

Part Two

Step Two:  Learn from past situations.  Have you ever been in a situation when your feelings were hurt or you felt boxed in and it wasn’t until later that you knew what you would have liked to say in the moment?  Silly question, right?  Of course you have, we all have.  The best thing to do in that situation is to think through or journal those responses.  Really think about how they would be received, how your words could be adjusted so that your response would clearly state your feelings and limits while still showing compassion for the other person.

Consider starting your sentences with “I feel…” rather than  “You hurt me…”.  By owning the statement and stating how you feel with an ‘I’ statement you do not take on the identity of the anger nor do you blame the other person.  Beginning a sentence with ‘you’ creates something for the person to defend, a small shift to using ‘I’ keeps the statement with you.  Now that you have found healthy ways of reacting to that type of situation, the next time something similar occurs you will have your dialogue ready, stored in your mental filing cabinet.  Your responses will be well thought out but also delivered in the moment.  How powerful is that?  If we don’t learn from the past we are doomed to repeat it – sound familiar?

Step Three:  Letting go of the outcome.  When you know you can and that you should be setting boundaries and you have worked out what to say to reaffirm those limits, you have set yourself up to win when the time comes to express your feelings.  Now, the big reveal – and the most freeing part of this process – letting go of the outcome.  What I mean by this is to try not to let how other people will respond or what they might think about you impact your desire to keep boundaries or affect your actions.  I know it is hard to imagine, but can you feel how freeing it will be when someone else’s opinion of you does not influence your behavior or prevent you from speaking up for yourself?  Wow, huh?

Please be assured that learning this might take some practice.  I used every trick I could find to learn and be comfortable with this process, including writing out notes and statements before I would confront particularly difficult people.

There is a well-known saying “Your opinion of me is none of my business”.  Seems a bit harsh when you first read it, but in essence, it is not saying “I don’t care what you think”, but instead says “I don’t own what you think”.  Dr. Wayne Dwyer speaks of this issue quite extensively and to summarize, he believes that someone else’s opinion of us says more about them than it does about us.  We tend to project onto others our own beliefs and insecurities so if someone does not like you for this or that reason, chances are they feel inadequate or threatened by that characteristic that you represent to them.  A bit confusing, I know, but think of it this way, if you were to know what everyone was thinking about you and you tried to change their beliefs or please everyone, you would be running around in circles.  What some people admire in you, others scorn.  And it’s the same with you – you like some people and not others.  That’s ok.  So in the end, let go of how you think other people will respond to your boundaries.  Let go of the fear of not pleasing everyone.  Let go of the outcome.

I offer you the following blessing:  May you feel a strong sense of self.  May you know your acceptable limits.  May you be comfortable expressing them.  May you not own the feelings of others.  May you simply and completely be you.

Part One

Ew it’s kinda nasty out there isn’t it?  Storms and earthquakes, big and small, continuing fights about the budget and the continuing wars we face. And I could go on.  Frustration with the simple inability to ‘get back to normal’ is shared across the country.  Things seem dicey and patience appears to be running thin.  All of that said, if you are looking to feel better and find a wee bit of inspiration, we should venture into your thoughts and look at your perspective, for this is the very one thing you can control.

Let’s establish some ground rules so we are all on the same page:

1.  Life isn’t fair.  Fair cards were not handed out when you were born.  Although many of us suspect that there are those who were secretly handed one as they left the hospital by the on-call angel nurse who tucked it under their blanket, the truth is we were all given the same blank canvas.

2.  Life is a mystery.  No matter what you believe, who you worship, dead or alive, how your spirituality guides you, we are all working on the scaffolding of faith.  Faith is the leap we take on belief.  Belief is how we reconcile our journey.  There is no religion or factual guide that has all of the answers. There is much we know, and much we don’t.  Or, as I quietly put it one night to my roommate in college during an incredibly reflective time after a crush that went bad, changing my major midstream and learning that my ‘life’ was just one flavor of many, ‘Life is the weirdest thing in the whole wild world.

3.  Life is what we make it.  This is where my fire smolders a bit; I am constantly amazed at the entitlement many demand.  Here on the east, a few years ago we experienced two winter blizzards.  Anyone who has visited Washington, D.C. knows that the likelihood of our area being ‘READY’ for something like this is slim to none.  No, we didn’t keep 67 extra snow plows available for storms that come once very 100 years and no, we didn’t have steadfast plans for disaster issues from ice and snow.  During the storms, I heard about people throwing snow at plows because they had taken several days to come and get to some side streets.  Everyone experienced the same storm, the same challenges and the same delays.

Pushing out to the situation or others that are trying to help us won’t solve anything or help us out – it will only make things difficult and challenging.

Part Two

Last week, we established our ground rules for changing our perspective: nothing is fair, we don’t understand everything and how we get through any of this is up to us. 

Focusing on the ‘up to us’ part is my specialty.  Along with thousands upon thousands, things have happened to me that I couldn’t get my hands around that I couldn’t understand.  And so.  And so I stand outside of it and I look at it.  And I find gratitude wherever I can.  We can always start with the basics.

IF you are reading this, you have your ‘faculties’ meaning you are alert, able to process, your mind is working and you aren’t struggling with a debilitating mental illness, then let’s give thanks.  If you are reading this from a computer and you can READ which means you are educated (no matter the degrees or the grades, you have more than most), let’s give thanks.

There is the woman crying quietly in another country because she is a woman and not allowed to have a fair trial, no matter that she was raped. There is the small 8yr old who is passing away from a disease in the next 24hrs because there is no cure.   The war hero who can no longer walk or care for himself is now in a home with substandard care and hasn’t had a visitor in two years.   There is the neglected teen who wanders the streets looking for identity and when he can, pushes drugs into his system to numb the pain. These are the obvious examples but there are more.

Deeper still:  there are mothers, brothers, uncles, sisters and stepfathers – there is some of everything in some foreign country, doing what they can every day to keep peace on our soil and do their part for our military.  They wake up every day and never know what is coming their way.  People hate them, and they aren’t sure why but they fight and they show up and they try hard.

There are entire countries in bankruptcy, some run by drug lords, and some facing disasters beyond their comprehension.  And yet, on we go.  Every single day, every single minute, every single second, you have one ability that is shared across the globe.  You can choose how you look at things. You can choose your thoughts.  You can choose your perspective. Nothing – no disaster, no person, no situation, no hurt, can take that away from you.

I know it’s not easy.  This doesn’t mean that all is well and there is no pain or heartache.  It does mean that some of this is just junk to move through, things to process and put in their place while you remember that you are still here, with us, enjoying these moments.  ‘This too shall pass’, is one of my favorite quotes.  Father time is our friend, as time moves on, things change. That is the constant you can count on.  Change.

And with change comes the new.  Things move along and you are given a new view.  When you see things from another mountaintop, from another view, you can see the struggles around you.

We all swim in the same emotional waters – we have the frustrations, hurt, anger, resentment and loss.  Yet we are all in this life pool of shared dilemmas.  You are not targeted, and troubles are not just given to you to carry.

During one particularly difficult day I had years ago, I realized that my despair was something that many before me had encountered.  It hit me square between the eyes – I wasn’t experiencing any feeling that others hadn’t experienced before.  That gave me comfort, knowing that I was part of this beautiful ‘life’ experience – and that I wasn’t alone or singled out or some sort of test case for suffering.  I was simply alive.

Still stuck?  Then just move a bit- use your body to work it out, something has to give, when you exhaust yourself it’s much harder to be bottled up.  No matter what may come our way, I send you the gift of knowing that you are in good company and never alone.

As the wise have said before me, ‘choose your thoughts, choose your life.’ Take heed, take care and take time for you.  You are simply not alone; we are all in this together. Hugs and love.

(depth of awareness by asking better questions)

Part One

When it comes to self-help, self exploration, transformation, growth, etc. they all have one thing in common – you get better results by going deeper and asking better questions. So what exactly do I mean by this somewhat obvious and ominous statement?  Let’s dive in and explore it together.

We all remain in the same spot or same mental state when we simply look at our lives in one dimensional terms: I am bored, I am unhappy, I am lonely, I am overweight, I am struggling financially, etc.  What happens when we start to add another dimension to the mix and start asking ourselves targeted questions?  It’s a skill we often overlook. Better or targeted questions are not just the simple plain-Jane questions of ‘why’?  Why am I X, Y, or Z?  Why does this always happen to me?  Why is it hard for me to lose weight? Why can I not find a partner?  What is wrong with me?

A better question would be what choices did I make that lead me here?  Then go deeper:  What decision could I make at this moment, on this one day, in this very hour that would shift my eating or relationship habits?  This small nudge, this little different question will shift your entire outlook. You are taking back your power; you own your life and your experience. Now we are getting somewhere.

Keep going deeper and asking yourself more and better questions.  What alternate activities could I engage in when I am bored or lonely besides hours of television and bags of calories? Since I know that Mr. Wonderful isn’t going to be knocking at the front door, how can I get more involved with other groups or activities?   What skills or interests do I have that would benefit other people less fortunate?  How can I best serve others?  Not only do these questions go deeper, but they become less ‘me-focused’.  Some of the better questions come out of our experiences….

Next week we’ll look at what experience provides us and how we can feel better about challenges we face…..

Part Two

Experience makes us wiser:  How will I feel after I buy those shoes, eat that second sleeve of cookies, or go out ‘just one more time’ with that negative, destructive person?  Our desire for comfort is a strong seductive pull leading up to that moment and often times during the experience, but then what?  Often times the experience of what comes after can be a wonderful deterrent and great learning lesson.  For instance, as we get older we know that the third or fourth drink in the evening is a bad idea because we know how sluggish we will feel in the morning and we value a productive, healthy day more than the extra drink.

The flip side of this experience is to take a moment to be fully aware and remember how you feel after something great has happened.  Even though I feel like procrastinating on this difficult and intimidating project because I hate the work and am not sure if I will do a good job and I just know it will be hard, I also know I will feel productive and successful when it is over.  I have worked on challenging projects before and have figured them out and I felt great about my accomplishment!  I have succeeded before and I can do it again.  The sooner I get started the sooner my feelings of fear will turn to triumph. 

So what is the essence of all of the tons of self-help books, seminars and information that is available?  I will tell you what it is – it’s the A-ha moment.  The book, the chapter, the paragraph, the sentence, the moment, the concept that made you say “a-ha, I see myself in that example”, or “that’s exactly what I do or how I feel when I spend, eat, get into a relationship, or “I get it, I had never thought of looking at my issues that way” and of course, one of my favorites, “It’s not just me, other people have the same issues”, etc.”  Those A-ha moments are the catalyst for growth. They are the pre-amble to asking yourself better questions.  They are a blessing and a gift to help you along your path.

And so as you continue your journey, try this new approach – shift your questions and shift your perspective.  How wonderful to be able to manage this process and pull from your past experiences to move you forward. There is no time like the moment of now to start asking better questions.

(…..or what to do when the kids are screaming and your client is calling)

Part One

You know those dreaded working-at-home moments?  The afternoon your most important client calls and really needs your attention, and in a you-couldn’t-plan-this if-you-had-to moment, your daughter has to use the bathroom and it is an emergency (!) AND your son starts screaming at the dog because she is sitting on his toy, all while you are trying your best to get them to understand your particular form of sign language that means ‘please, please, be quiet – puleeze use your inside voice for Mommy PLEASE…and then someone cries, and your client is annoyed and you fall into a puddle wondering how you got here and what the heck you were thinking. Oh, how I hated those moments!

I was a single Mom that was determined to keep my career in place, support my kids and myself as best as I could, and be the ‘I just made you brownies!’ Mommy.

My children are now grown but those days are tattooed in my mind and aren’t going anywhere.  Working from home while parenting my little ones was fabulous, tough, rewarding and exhausting.

I was always in between, never feeling like anything was ‘right’.  At work, I was always behind, I was anxious about my career path, I needed to make money, I didn’t want anyone to realize that maybe my brain had in fact, gone to mush after too many episodes of Sesame Street (which I admit, I really enjoyed).  And then there is the Mommy pull.  We want to hold them, and talk to them and nurture all of their needs so they never feel like we aren’t there for them.

But in truth, I could only take so many pretend Barbie games and work was always in the back of my mind.  And while I worked, I wanted to be with my kids.  They will only be this age for so long! I swear someone could sell that on a blanket, it’s the dreaded phrase all Mom’s hear and think about….

And so.  As with many of us, I plodded along, did the best I could, and was determined to do it my way.  I am a big believer that all of us find our way and that what might work for one Mom or executive, won’t work for another.

So these little tips are offered to you – the working Mom or Dad that has sacrificed the freedom of lunches where they actually serve you, and is determined to parent as best as possible, all while managing life, and everything it holds.

I want to applaud you for working your career and trying to balance it all with little ones underfoot.  I did this for years and always adapted my career environment to manage the kids.  It is rewarding.  It is not easy.

Part Two

Here are a few proven strategies and suggestions that helped keep me sane. As Mom’s with grown children have experienced, as they grow, so will how you manage all of this.

1.  I got help.  I always had a babysitter, nanny, someone, anyone, who could spell me for a few hours.  Anything to get help.  Often I would get someone to help during the afternoon because the 4-6pm time was always so challenging.  They are tired, you are pushed and they want attention. I would ask the sitter to do an activity, take them on a walk, whatever the case may be, something to give ‘the kids’ their own break. I even paid a friend of mine to come over and bring her daughter for afternoon visits.  She would come every day for a few hours mid-day.  I would take the baby; she would manage my toddler, feed him and get him down for a nap.  You get the idea, flexibility was key.

2.  I managed client expectations.  I think this is actually easier these days as it is widely accepted to work from the house, telecommute and have hours that are transitional.  For me, mornings were tough.  Everyone, was needy, me included.  When I would get a new client, I would explain to them that I worked odd hours and might not always be available during the standard 9-5 timeframe.  That worked well.  I always worked at night after the kids went to bed, it was my golden hour.  I was able to concentrate and get tons done when the house was quiet.

3.  I outsourced. I got a dog walker one day a week.  I hired a yard service. I hired a housekeeper. I let go of the things that I really didn’t need to focus on.  I accommodated for the extra expenses by shifting budget spend, i.e. not spending $120 on my favorite perfume, etc.   It was tough but I was determined to make it work and I needed the help.

4.  I approached each day with ‘out of the box’ thinking.  Now this might not work for some, but I was very comfortable folding laundry while I was participating on a conference call.  I was always loading dishes and cleaning up the kitchen when I checked with vendors on the status of jobs.  I simply approached it as ‘total day management’ vs. work and then home life b/c it was impossible to separate them – I was the common denominator to bridge both worlds and that approach worked for me.

Part Three

5.  As the kids grew, I ALWAYS had a ‘busy basket’ available for those crisis times when you need 20 minutes and they want to be entertained.  I had separate things for my son vs. my daughter. I kept these hidden away from their daily toys to make it special. I would ask that they sit, or be quiet, or whatever it was I needed them to do, and then I would bring out the busy basket.  I would get stuff from the Dollar Store and add in new toys, arts and crafts, etc.  Books were always good too, and dress-up clothes were a hit.  And, of course, as much as I didn’t want this to be my afternoon babysitter, sometimes I would use video movies to help.

6.  I shopped and did errands on off hours.  This was a huge time saver for me.  I would either get groceries at 10:30 at night or at 6:00 in the morning when the store opened. I figured it saved me 3 hours a week avoiding traffic and lines.  When I was a single Mom, I had a babysitter that would come to the house at 9:00pm when the kids were asleep and out I would go to get my shopping and errands completed.  Wal-Mart was my best friend.  This really helped me get away from the ‘weekend churn’ when everyone else is out doing errands and shopping.  I would then use the weekends for time with the kids or work catch-up.  I just shifted everything in terms of time to accommodate efficiency.

Hope this helps you.  The combined effort of being a Mommy while working from home can be a tough and lonely job. Aside from the obvious fact that you are working on your own, and your office buddies are now the cat, occasional UPS deliveryman, and your kid’s playmates, you have made a choice that could be seen as different from the norm.

I found that friends who didn’t work, didn’t understand my constant rush and couldn’t relate to my continuous schedule changes.  My friends who worked full time, and had full time childcare, didn’t get me either.  They dropped their kids off and had schedules that were more predictable.  There should be no judgment on personal parenting choices; my choice was different because I wanted to do it my way.  You have to find the path that works best for you and for your family, without worrying about fitting into everyone else’s expectations.

I left my ex-husband in 1996 when my kids were 4 and 6.  To this day, I am not sure how I did it all.  I am now happily (!) remarried for 10 years, have two stepdaughters and we now have a collective group of 22, 21,19, 18 year olds that are in college or graduating.  I share this so you know that time does indeed fly, the pushed days will pass, and with every stage and every year, as the kids change, you will too. My rule of thumb was to simply adapt to what worked best.  I applaud your courage, not everyone can do this.  It is a treat to hear from readers, please keep in touch and let me know how all of this goes.  Sending you the best and a quiet phone call.  Cheers.

Maybe it is that very word ‘boss’ – the boss of the department, the boss of the organization, the boss of the team – but it connotes authority and if one isn’t careful to keep appropriate limits, it can result in becoming the boss of you.  When this boss that you work for and support daily, demeans you (or someone else in front of you) or reacts with yelling, unrealistic demands or contempt, it can rock your world.

And though I have been working for the past 30 years, it never seems to fail – when I encounter this type of ‘boss person’ I am taken aback.   At the same time, since these 30 years have provided numerous examples of bosses behaving badly, my patience for this bullying has been stripped down.  I don’t think anyone should be treated poorly for any reason.  Life is too damn short to stay in toxic situations with toxic people.

Soooo easy to say and not easy to do, you note?  Indeed, you are right, it’s a mess of a situation but you can learn how to maneuver through it.  What I know for sure is that you will not change the bully. You cannot change other people, and you certainly can’t get a toxic boss to applaud your tenacity at staying the course.  This challenging little group to work with, these people with issues, tendencies and insecurities, they have their own path to walk.   The trick is to let go of trying to explain, defend and justify.  The challenge is to leave or find some other way to get out of a bad situation.

When I was in my twenties, my boss asked me to his office and summarily yelled at me and told me I was an idiot.  A report he requested was in numbers and metrics, apparently he expected a different format and thought I would give him a written synopsis.  This was news to me! His anger and confrontation came out of nowhere and I was floored.

He was well known for being difficult, but this was my first exposure to his bullying behavior.  Shocked and humiliated, I simply listened.  I never engaged with him.  I didn’t defend or explain.   I just shut down and noted to myself that it was time to leave this toxic situation and company and move along.  I quickly got another job and resigned this position within weeks.  Now these were the days before HR was sensitive to this type of behavior and way before there were processes in place to deal with this type of abuse.  So I simply shut down and left.

This behavior is so ‘in your face’ that it can be obvious to decide it’s time to leave.  But there are other types of work encounters that can be just as difficult, and I would argue, have the potential to be more dangerous because they erode your confidence.

As a marketing professional, I consult for a variety of companies, some I am familiar with, and some I’m not.  I’m good buds with a girlfriend that I’ve known for quite some time, a professional acquaintance who shares stories and insights with me.  Our relationship isn’t too deep; we stay connected professionally and share some basic and surface level stuff.

She once asked me to come in and work with her team on some marketing projects.  Although overwhelmed raising two young children, I was jazzed.  She would often tell me I was the only one she knew that had the base of experience she needed.  That worked for me, as I love making a difference and working with talent, it’s something that gives me the ‘I’m really contributing’ feeling of accomplishment.

So off I went to work with my buddy.  The first few weeks, all went well; I was in and out, meeting with her team, trying to get my bearings and learn what I could.  It was a slow swirl, but I began noticing a few patterns – there were many executives that had come and gone rather quickly, and the others remaining were immature in process, emotional in reaction and worked at a low level of confidence.

A meeting here and a meeting there and I started to notice a pattern – oh my word, I realized, she is a bully.  Now this isn’t the tough, demanding, yet respectful, executive that makes things happen.  This executive is a bully.  She is running her company into the ground.  Bit by bit, decision (or none) by decision, opportunities slide away and her team shrugs with ‘well we did the best we could’.  And then the blame game follows, as there is always someone to talk about and always someone to blame, a sure sign of a dysfunctional office.

It’s an early fall morning and seven people get on a conference call to discuss a huge project we have all been working on in some form or fashion.  Virtually everyone has worked three of the four past weekends, we are all tired and looking to get this project complete.

My buddy the CEO gets on the call with a huge ‘tude’.  Her questions regarding a project are thrown over the phone – ‘I have no idea what you guys are doing’ – ‘I don’t understand anything you put together’ – and my personal favorite, ‘no one ever told me this detail and I have no idea what you are talking about’.   As I maneuver us through this mess of a meeting, she starts really focusing in – ‘what I am trying to communicate to you is that you have it all wrong.  What I am trying to help you with is that you guys don’t understand this client or this project and I can’t believe this is what you have developed.’  It gets a bit nastier and pointed and everyone shuts down, not a word is uttered.

We all know that she has seen everything, been involved with all aspects of this project and on this call, blatantly lies to all of us that she hasn’t seen any of the work for this project.  No one does a thing.

It’s hard to share with you the tone, the push of the words and the combative behavior – suffice it to say that entire group was ready to resign when the meeting was over.  This team had been working with her for over five years.  I discuss this event with a few of the executives and I notice my insistence that this isn’t acceptable behavior is met with apathy – they feel stuck, at a loss as to what to do and her words have hit home.  Their confidence has eroded and their self-doubt is prevalent.

Verbally, emotionally and just shy of physically being abused in a former relationship, my sensitivities to verbal abuse are heightened and my tolerance is low.  Well really, I have no tolerance, but I wanted to finish this damn project because I adhere to standards, and I want to be professional and finish my work as promised. And, this project is incredibly important to the company.

So I’m left with frustration beyond belief, astonishment at how severe this situation is and empathy for those that feel stuck and those that work with her daily.

From my personal experience, and from all that I have learned, I realize that with anything in life you have to manage, any event or situation, you always have two options:  you can either do something or you can do nothing.  This I know for sure – if you are engaged in any destructive relationship, doing nothing will pull you down, and if you continue to stay in this destructive pattern, the ole boss will continue his/her course.  They will continue because they can and because it works for them.

There are so many ways these bosses behaving badly can play out, the ‘fatal attraction’ boss who is passive aggressive and doesn’t directly tell you what he/she wants, and isn’t clear on communication. Instead, he/she will demean you with snide comments, point out issues in front of others and basically put you down with comments about your work to everyone but you.

Then there is the ‘bullhorn’, the confrontational boss who makes everything, and I mean everything, a challenge.  The ‘what are you talking about’ comment can pretty much sum this one up.  Nothing is easy, and everything is a confrontation.  Yet the one I have the most experience with is ‘Sybil’ – one day it’s all peaches and roses and the next day you are walking on thin ice and continually scrutinized because you made a mistake or there was a miscommunication. This boss leaves you questioning yourself and your sanity.  If you are asking ‘is it me?’ there is a good chance you are working for a Sybil.

And I could go on. I know there are more than enough examples of difficult types of bosses, but my real agenda is to help you, Mr./Ms. Reader, survive some of these behaviors.   These are five simple rules I use to manage myself through these situations.

Rule Number One:  Know that you can’t change them.  Period.  All the good intentions in the world can’t change someone; their change is their journey.

Rule Number Two:  If you wouldn’t accept this behavior at home, don’t accept it at work.  The money, the job and the prestige are all short lived anyways, because difficult people like this can take you down in a moments notice.  It’s not worth the price you pay; it’s hurtful and destructive to your esteem.

Rule Number Three:  This does not define you. Work is a valuable part of our experience but it is not YOU.  If you are too closely aligned with work, then the power this has over you is out of balance.  Keep your sanity, keep yourself in sync with who you are, and know that bad things happening to you do not mean that YOU are bad.

Rule Number Four:  Take care of you as you would a friend.  Often it is easier for us to do something for others than to take care of ourselves. Treat yourself kindly, you are worth it and you are valuable.  No one deserves to be treated poorly.

Rule Number Five:  Fill yourself up with positive – positive people, words, movies, sayings, music, mediations, etc. will all fill your soul and work to balance your esteem.

My huge hope is that there are very few who experience this type of bullying at work but my guess is that it is more prevalent that most of us know.  Remember that if you are putting good energy after bad, this can trip you up and result in angst, frustration beyond compare, depression and self-doubt.

Don’t let this type of engagement pull you down – if you won’t take care of yourself for you, then do it for me.  And on that note, I resigned from my friends project. Based on her rantings, I knew that after five more months of working in that environment would have resulted in me throwing my computer out the windowJ Aside from the obvious problems this presented, I love my MAC way too much for that.

Apparently March is National Women’s History Month.  Not much fanfare for this, in fact I’m not sure I even knew it existed.  In the interest of supporting this celebratory note for all of us gals, I can shed a bit of history with you – we are tired.  No matter when they came through, women of all types and ages and ranges are simply pooped.

Now I get it, men are too and we all do too much.  But I dare say there has never been a time in history where so much is expected out of us females.  As a Mom to three girls (one daughter and two step-daughters) I try to paint the reality for them that they will soon face – it’s their journey and it’s their job to balance for themselves.  Many of us fail miserably at this, I can’t think of one friend, relative or neighbor that is in perfect ‘balance’.

DISCLAIMER:  reference ‘balance’, someone who is content and comfortable with where she is and what she does and how she handles ALL things.

It feels as if there is this quiet expectation set to do it all – not just work and be a Mom but it feels larger than that – as if we are supposed to be like ‘Elizabeth Dole or Hillary Clinton’ (I play no favor to which side of the isle you sit on) creating powerful careers and really making a difference, ‘Martha Stewart’ with homemade goodies and baskets of fresh flowers strewn about the house (the same house that offers incredibly organized and well groomed cabinets and shelves), a Victoria Secret’s model with a curvy body and even after giving birth to several children, the all important abs of steel and triceps of stone, a PTA Mom that never forgets to sign a report or volunteer for a quick hour or two when needed and have personal relationships with teachers to help usher our children through school appropriately and a great entertainer, well put together, pretty much happy and smiling all the time.

Now.

That being said I will share that my sense is we women are the hardest on ourselves.  I would bet that most households (including spouse and children) would be totally cool if we scaled back on the expectations and were ok to just say ‘I just can’t’ or ‘not sure I need to do that’ or really look inside and be ok with who we are and where we sit.

It’s such a tough balancing act and I wonder about the struggles of our ancestors, the women who worried about feeding and clothing their children, or guarding against free flowing disease and illness that captured so many so quickly.  It all goes back to what is important and how to define our priorities.

Thanks to Mr. Maslow, we would start with the basics of food, security and safety and work up from there.  Now that we do indeed have our freedoms, the journey is back on us and we need to figure this out without taking on guilt and shame and remorse.

And we need to stop judging.   Someone mentioned to me last week that they couldn’t get over how poorly a friend kept house and were buzzing about it a bit, as this particular Mom doesn’t’ work full time.  My gut level response is, who the heck cares?  The role we play to support each other should be just that – to support each other and not to compare, contrast and pull each other apart in our assessment of who is doing what and how we stack up.  Silliness.

It seems perspective is always my best friend.  How about the fact that we have these freedoms?  It’s tough for sure, today’s environment offers a new set of challenges to face and maybe the real answer is learning how to manage all of this and shifting priorities and responsibilities around.  What worked before doesn’t work now.

Things are moving, changing and we are growing.  How wonderful.  How scary.  To help out, I made a little chart that provides insight into our decisions.  Listed on the left are expectations, unspoken as well as my personal expectations (which may or may not align with yours) and then I added criteria of ‘How I stack up’ and lastly how much priority I give the expectations.

Wow.  I realized that I change this daily in terms of how I stack up. So I am not bad or good or not balanced.  I am simply living life.  Feeling better already, I am going to print this out and put it in my ‘personal items’ folder I carry around with me that includes goals, affirmations, etc. as a reminder that we are all indeed in balance.  After all, we all show up every day and do the best that we can.  That in itself should be recognized.  And embraced.

2010 is making it’s way quickly, a blizzard on the east, disaster in Haiti and continued fighting about how we offer healthcare.  It seems to me that the simplest if often the most overlooked -  the biggest gift we could offer anyone is to better ourselves.  With the internet and social media changing how we communicate, the opportunities to learn and grow are endless. Take for example, the Self Growth site run by David Riklan.  He has diligently compiled a vast assortment of resources that are available at your fingertips – information and support for anything from  parenting to the 12 step program to growing older.  There are a host of others, find your way and find what suites you, there is simply no reason not to stand up, take stock and move forward.  Always remember you are never alone, we are all on this same journey together.  If you find something special that is beneficial, send me a note, always looking to learn.  Cheers to you all:)

On this life train that moves at warp speed, I am an eager passenger that enjoys the ride.  Just like the rest of us, some of my days are better than others.  And for those occasional days hit by some sort of hormone bounce or lack of sleep or too many encounters with plain ole shxxy people, my tendency is to reach out.  Misery loves company is only trumped by misery loves an empathetic ear.  I connect with others – chat, call, meet and contemplate to understand them and have them understand me.  And yet sometimes, when we end, I feel worse than I did when I started.  It’s like going to mass with a sometimes-found judgmental Priest – you go into church looking to gain insight and yet when you leave, you feel worse about yourself than when you started.

I have learned to pay attention and notice.  Who is it that supports me and supports my vision?  And who is it that takes away and pulls me down?  This may seem obvious but I offer you a thought – when you really look at this in terms of the actual person and not the defined role they play in your world (i.e. boss, sister, neighbor, mother, father-in-law, etc.) you can gain a easier perspective and manage the input and output.

I recently took inventory of a few conversations I had with people that I deemed ‘in my corner.’  We met.  We left.  I felt terrible.  When I looked at it and thought back, I realized that there were several people I entrusted and thought they would support me or at least give me some positive input.  Yet the truth is, they were actually anything but supportive.  I have to share that it wasn’t obvious.  No one sat there and yelled at me.  Some of the input was scornful, some of it was detached and some of it was just plain ole passive aggressive.  Do you ever get the raised eyebrow, the questioning ‘reallyyy??’  or the ‘well that’s nice….’ or the ‘Yes and I want to tell you that you should be xxxxx’.

It all comes wrapped up in ‘doing the right thing for you’ but the truth is that it’s not always the case.  The bottom line is that I let them in  – because by role, they are the ones that are best for me and are there to support me – and based on these roles, they ‘should’ be good for me.

As I reflect back on this, I think to myself – who is it that I let in?  Who is it that supports me and my vision?

Interestingly enough, sitting in my corner is a neighbor,  a work associate, and an old friend.  It’s not the expected and usual players.  And you know what?  That’s ok.  Letting go of the ‘expectations’ is the key to understanding where to put my energy and how to frame my world.

I now know who takes me down, who really doesn’t approve or support me.  And I am not worried about their role in my life and my world.  I have stepped back and figured it out.  Give yourself the gift to do the same. It sure makes sharing easier. And it’s another step in learning to take care of you.

WOW.   Spoke to the Alexandria City Sheriff’s staff yesterday at their company retreat and all I can say is that we all owe a thank you to those that serve us in other ways.  Yesterday was a day of gratitude for our veterans, I claim today as a day of gratitude for all of those in public service – you cannot imagine what they do and how difficult it can be.  They worry about doing a good job, being the best they can be and making things better for those that come their way.

In my talk to them I stressed how important it is for those that give to take care of themselves. Don’t you find that you lose steam when you have given all that you can – whether it’s exercising until you can’t move anymore or working until you can’t keep your eyes open or doing chores around the house until you can hardly walk?  It’s the same for our energy and the spiritual side of us – you have to refuel and fill up in order to give back out.

It seems we often think of this idea of doing for us or taking care of ourselves as selfish.  I would offer that it’s anything but selfish, it’s our job and responsibility to nurture and take care of ‘us’ as part of the overall ‘management of you.’  Simply put, as my mentor Jim Rohn says, ‘If not now, then when?  If not you, then who?’  and I would add ‘If not FOR you, then FOR who?’ –

Maybe the mystery is in the how.  Maybe we all get stuck on this idea of grandeur when it’s really the small things that can lead us to the big.  A fresh cup of coffee from your favorite shop, a five minute break to listen to some great music, a quick conversation with an old friend, a moment of gratitude for your thankful thought of the day, these are the tiny things that help start the process of taking care of you move forward   If you do these small tasks to take care of you, you will build momentum in the art of doing for yourself.  As you do this, the trip to the spa, the afternoon off to be free of responsibilities, the movie you decide to go see, the day hiking and going outside, all of these soul filling moments will come to you easily.

But you can really only give what you have left so make sure to do something for you, no matter how small. And if you are stuck on the idea that it’s not your right or that you feel selfish, move your perspective to the other side and remember that the selfish part is not taking care of you so you can in fact, give out.

The last thing I will leave you with is that please remember, give yourself a break, we are all just people, showing up, doing the best we can with what we’ve got.  Hugs to you all.

Early this morning Sadie (my 2yr old female rescue) went nuts in the house, barking, running and panting, trying to get me to understand that something huge was happening outside.  This is unusual for her, as she is a lady of leisure and loves sleeping, especially on her back with all four paws in the air.  Mornings are when she rolls over with a heavy sigh, like ‘oh dear, I suppose I must get up and pee.’ I thought she might have seen a rabbit or squirrel from the bedroom window.  I live in a suburban neighborhood, it’s nice enough, but we don’t have sprawling acres to attend to or a national park that backs up to our property line. Given this, it would seem that we live in peaceful harmony with nature and the animal kingdom – they have their trees and woods,  we have ours houses and garages.

We went outside for our usual morning stroll.  After a slow, slumbering walk, Sadie had settled and we headed home.  For some reason, after our walks, getting to the driveway always makes me feel as if I need to do something, like I’ve completed a milestone of some sort. I either move the trash can, pick up the paper, look around the neighborhood and give a wave or move a few twigs off the mulch.  So today I unleash Sadie, stand in the driveway, and ponder why my pansies aren’t blooming continuously as the description promised they would.  Out of the corner of my eye, I see a few deer moving slowly through our back yard (note – this is not a usual occurrence, I just pretend that it is) and I decidedly remark to myself, ‘wow, they are so big, look at how they really do blend into the landscape, that’s really pretty neat.’ And then the next thought flies in, ‘holy shxx, there are huge big-ass deer with those real antler things on them in my backyard (!), where is Sadie?’  Well numnuts had gone to the other side of the house sniffing a track (undoubtedly, where the deer had started) and I sprint like a crazy woman to the back yard calling for her.  My good girl comes running towards me like ‘ok, Mom, what’s up?  Whatcha got?’   I turn and oh-not-so-far-away-and-I’m-not-kidding-he’s-close is the biggest dam deer (and the bigger of the two gentlemen deer standing near us) with horns as wide and big as Rudolph’s, staring us down and – get this- stomping his hoof like you see the bulls doing when they see that big red cape swirling at them.

Sadie proceeds to engage in the stare down as Mr. Deer continues to stomp his hoof.  I am totally lost in this situation, with everything running through my mind from ‘do deer get rabies?’ to ‘do they come after people and small dogs, not sure I have ever heard of that happening but I don’t really know!?’ to ‘what the hell?  I thought they were supposed to be afraid of people’.  It would have been a fabulous ‘the dumbest move people make with their animals funniest home video’ as I am quietly screaming in a low voice, ‘Sadie, get over here now!’ while she wags her tail and continues the stare down with Mr. Deer.  He is all over this hoof action, stomping away with the same hoof and clearly has no plans to do anything to back down or move away.  He then moves a foot forward and slowly Sadie turns her little head and looks at me as if to say ‘OMG, I think he is walking to me now’ and sprints towards me so fast that the wind picks her ears up and she is flying with those little legs moving and this little 30lb dog almost knocks me over.  I too begin sprinting and realize we are both running from a dam deer who is elegantly and yet assuredly standing in my backyard.

He could be still back there for all I know.  We both slid into the house as we were tripping on each other, me to get her and her to get to inside.  And so here we are, safe and sound.  I sit at my computer, open a new browser and find holiday ads already in gear, with my friend, Mr. Deer, prominently displayed to provide good cheer.  Too dam funny.

Last year I made an abrupt left turn in my career and at the same time, an abrupt decision – I vowed to give up the news. All of it.  The daily paper, the 6:00pm update, even the Letterman notations about the odd comings and goings we all share.  I decided that it was best if I kept my energy, and my thoughts, focused on something positive and something for me.  While it has worked well and kept my focus off our daily grind, it feels odd,  like I am sitting at the rest stop on the side of the road, while everyone is speeding on by.

So, on this sunny, chilly, Friday morning, I decided that maybe I was making a mistake and because I wasn’t ‘in the groove’ could become the bumbling middle aged lady on the block with a stale sameness about her. (Admittedly, part of this stems from my huge fear of getting older and living in an apartment with a ceramic Christmas tree, clothes I’ve worn for over 15 years, meals that consist of food from a can and a few cats that talk incessantly.)  I picked up the paper and true to form, the news was just awful.  ‘One of their own’ kills 13 at Ft. Hood, unemployment now impacts 1 in 10, and there is a vibrant college junior missing with pleas for help from her distraught family.  Those three headlines came with just a quick glance.

And those stories are just from my little corner of the world.  Bad things happen in all states, countries, continents.  But there is another side to this.  Turn this over and see what you get.  There is beauty and calm in the smallest of events that we don’t read about or experience.  Take my quick glance at the paper.  While these awful things were happening, at the very same moment, a baby was born, love was made, hands were held, a diagnosis provided fabulous news, a couple became engaged, someone got their dream job and life moved along it’s path.

Looking for the good doesn’t negate the bad, it doesn’t mean you don’t care or you don’t empathize. It does mean that there is another way.  And so today, I realized that again, it’s all up to me.  I feel better about my decision to put the news away.  My personal choice is to lean into the good, to remember that we all get our share of junk to haul and that life indeed, is beautiful.  I know this sounds trite and silly but it’s so true and so overlooked.  It’s almost like you need a special pair of glasses to find the good and see the beauty. As they say, it takes just as much energy to be in a good mood as a bad one, to be positive as to be negative and to be happy as it does to be sad.

With the energy and focus I have, my choice is to go for the good.  Why the hell not? It sure leaves you feeling better than after you’ve swum down into the depths of the awful.  Take heart, enjoy the day and find the good.  It’s there, I promise.

So here I am trying to figure out what makes sense, what will guide and mostly (and most importantly), what will help.  My goal is to provide usable insight and tips to help manage the emotions we all experience and yet, never really know what to do with.  Sure, we cry, drink, cuss, eat, ponder and pontificate.  Yet there is this valuable little gem of a tool that many of us miss and that simple tool is learning how to manage our emotions by managing our perspective.  If you’ve read my WOW – Wipe Out Worry book or seen any of my youtube videos, you’ll know that my focus is on teaching how to find this perspective and empower yourself to feel better.

Now, the disclaimer in all of this is that you can only control and manage YOU.  This took me 38 short years to figure out and it was the best gift I could have given myself.  I was in a terrible and destructive marriage, I had two small (ok, maybe not small, young is a better word) children and my world came tumbling down around me.  After years of pleading, crying, trying to adjust my behavior and putting daily effort into trying to please – the AH-HA! of my life came when I realized I was molding ME to fit HIM>  Control you, control your life and control your happiness.  That is the one thing you can do for yourself and the best guidance I could offer anyone.  This is not as easy as it may seem and requires determination and courage but it sure beats the alternative.

More on this to follow as I could go on and on (and do in my new book, Life Lessons You Might Have Missed), but the reality of it all is, you’ve found a home, a safe place to dump, learn and share.  Welcome, welcome.  Comments, ideas, thoughts, or whatever you want to share are embraced.  Cheers.

Just back from taking my youngest to see a few colleges and I’m absolutely exhausted.  It wasn’t the driving or the walking (I have seen more dorm rooms than I care to share – between Kat and her brother and stepsisters we’ve seen 18 colleges), it was the emotional energy we put into this ‘perfect’ decision.  I realized how overwhelming this is for these kids and for anyone with a ‘I’m-about-to-go-find-myself-and-be-me teen’, I send you sleep, patience, fortitude and an open mind.

Careful not to get caught in the trap of ‘you should…’ we spent time assessing each option and came home, once again, empty handed.  This is when she needs me to stay the course, offer her the wisdom that things truly do work out in the end and be her number one fan.  I’ve had the glaring eyes, the OMG Mom! and my favorite  ‘you will never understand’ statements.  I think it would be easy to push down all of the old feelings and frustrations I experienced as a teen, and be the wise old ‘we do things this way’ Mom – but that is just not who I am.  I do understand.

I STILL feel like a teen working my way onto the right path. I totally get the sense that everyone has an answer but you.  I get the fear of the unknown and the ‘holy cow what did I just do?’ choices that push on us all.  For anyone looking at college and any parent or friend working to help guide a young adult, I offer these very small and hopefully helpful thoughts to smooth the way:

1.  Chill. Stay focused on deadlines and dates and all the other realities but really, it will work out when your attitude is on the right course.  Going to a school because that’s where everyone goes or because I’ve decided this is best for you, robs you of your own path.  This is a huge decision – yes – but it’s also not going to put you down the path of no return if you have to change or move from a school.  Ask anybody about learned lessons and they will tell you that they have learned from every decision – good and bad.  So take heart and breathe.

2.  Forget about everyone else. This deserves it’s own headline and I would say that parents might be more guilty of this than the kids.  Why you would compare yourself (or your kid) to someone else, is beyond me.  Do you really want to be this other person?  Do you really want to mimic their world?  And do you really want your kid to be ‘just like’ her or him??  That message brings home the idea that they aren’t valued unless they are like (a) everyone else or (b) this other kid you think is more worthy.  I shake my head at this and see it all the time.  There is a school and a path for everybody.

3.  Watch for limits.  Lord there are so many choices with college; small or large, private or public, mountains or beach, in-state or out-of-state, conservative or liberal.  Careful not to put limits on ‘you have to stay in-state’ or ‘you must be at a small college because you know that you don’t like too many people around’, etc.  Limits at this age can set your entire path in another direction that you can’t stand or that you find much later in life.  I know sooooo many parents who will only allow their kids to entertain certain areas, size of schools, etc.  It only makes sense – how do you know, if you haven’t checked it out???  This is the one time you can explore all of these options, why wouldn’t you?

4.  For parents only - Help them.  Just because your teen is driving and working and going to school and managing sports, activities and friends,  doesn’t mean they don’t need your or your help.  They are still learning, as we did, and a helping hand can go a long way.  Seems that once kids start driving,  many parents think they are pretty much done.  I think the challenge of parenting really begins when they do start driving and when they are trying to navigate these decisions on their own.  They are people,  just like us, striving to do the best they can every day.  They will make mistakes and they will mess up.  Just like us.

And so, we are home, back to the grind and planning the next college trip.  She’s concerned we are running out of time.  I’m concerned about that too, but it’s because I know within the next year, she’ll be out of the nest and I’m the one that will be walking a new path too.

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