Just back from taking my youngest to see a few colleges and I’m absolutely exhausted. It wasn’t the driving or the walking (I have seen more dorm rooms than I care to share – between Kat and her brother and stepsisters we’ve seen 18 colleges), it was the emotional energy we put into this ‘perfect’ decision. I realized how overwhelming this is for these kids and for anyone with a ‘I’m-about-to-go-find-myself-and-be-me teen’, I send you sleep, patience, fortitude and an open mind.
Careful not to get caught in the trap of ‘you should…’ we spent time assessing each option and came home, once again, empty handed. This is when she needs me to stay the course, offer her the wisdom that things truly do work out in the end and be her number one fan. I’ve had the glaring eyes, the OMG Mom! and my favorite ‘you will never understand’ statements. I think it would be easy to push down all of the old feelings and frustrations I experienced as a teen, and be the wise old ‘we do things this way’ Mom – but that is just not who I am. I do understand.
I STILL feel like a teen working my way onto the right path. I totally get the sense that everyone has an answer but you. I get the fear of the unknown and the ‘holy cow what did I just do?’ choices that push on us all. For anyone looking at college and any parent or friend working to help guide a young adult, I offer these very small and hopefully helpful thoughts to smooth the way:
1. Chill. Stay focused on deadlines and dates and all the other realities but really, it will work out when your attitude is on the right course. Going to a school because that’s where everyone goes or because I’ve decided this is best for you, robs you of your own path. This is a huge decision – yes – but it’s also not going to put you down the path of no return if you have to change or move from a school. Ask anybody about learned lessons and they will tell you that they have learned from every decision – good and bad. So take heart and breathe.
2. Forget about everyone else. This deserves it’s own headline and I would say that parents might be more guilty of this than the kids. Why you would compare yourself (or your kid) to someone else, is beyond me. Do you really want to be this other person? Do you really want to mimic their world? And do you really want your kid to be ‘just like’ her or him?? That message brings home the idea that they aren’t valued unless they are like (a) everyone else or (b) this other kid you think is more worthy. I shake my head at this and see it all the time. There is a school and a path for everybody.
3. Watch for limits. Lord there are so many choices with college; small or large, private or public, mountains or beach, in-state or out-of-state, conservative or liberal. Careful not to put limits on ‘you have to stay in-state’ or ‘you must be at a small college because you know that you don’t like too many people around’, etc. Limits at this age can set your entire path in another direction that you can’t stand or that you find much later in life. I know sooooo many parents who will only allow their kids to entertain certain areas, size of schools, etc. It only makes sense – how do you know, if you haven’t checked it out??? This is the one time you can explore all of these options, why wouldn’t you?
4. For parents only - Help them. Just because your teen is driving and working and going to school and managing sports, activities and friends, doesn’t mean they don’t need your or your help. They are still learning, as we did, and a helping hand can go a long way. Seems that once kids start driving, many parents think they are pretty much done. I think the challenge of parenting really begins when they do start driving and when they are trying to navigate these decisions on their own. They are people, just like us, striving to do the best they can every day. They will make mistakes and they will mess up. Just like us.
And so, we are home, back to the grind and planning the next college trip. She’s concerned we are running out of time. I’m concerned about that too, but it’s because I know within the next year, she’ll be out of the nest and I’m the one that will be walking a new path too.
