Note to self: the past 24 hours have provided, yet again, a reminder that it is oh-so-important to fill oneself up with the good, the lovely and the positive.

Let’s see, we have the dear friend of mine who ran into her ex and felt terrible about herself ‘all over again’, the neighbor who can’t seem to get in shape and told me ‘to hell with it’ because she doesn’t have the time to focus on herself (four children under the age of six) and the client who was in total (and I mean total) distress as her computer crashed, furthering her missed deadline on a long running, time sensitive project now jeopardizing the promotion that is due to come her way.

And then there is me.  Anxious about pending client work, a wee-bit of Mom nervousness because the last little bird is leaving the coop and my overall direction in midlife as I play with patches and creams and the meaning of ‘why am I here rabbit, oh why?’ I find myself searching out for the good to feel better.  It’s something I actively do and has served me well.

And so I realize that these words, these vehicles that transmit meaning and care and information and assessment all play such a valuable role in our lives.  It is these words that we read that can shock us, surprise us or simply soothe us.  I prefer the latter, remembering my first read of Norman Vincent Peale’s ‘The Power of Positive Thinking’ and the combination of words and feeling positive and how it all came together.

That was my first step into this motivational, let’s-look-at-the-good-side-and-help you-out world.  This has only grown for me, after suffering (ok, I admit, bad choice of words here, I hate the idea of victimization) through a verbally abusive marriage that was so tough on my psyche that I began asking friends and family, ‘am I that bad?  Really, you can tell me the truth.  I have been told that I don’t walk right, and I am a mess, don’t make enough money, blah, blah blah.’  After years of therapy, and a determination to master what was happening to me, I realized that I took these words thrown my way and incorporated them into the fabric of who I was.

I took back my power and left and started over.  It was then that the wah-lah! hit – I needed to feed myself full of positive – anything that helped me reframe was incorporated into my daily world – words in music, words in books, words in quotes, words in articles – all helped me feed that void of knowing that life is actually quite a fabulous entertaining ride and that we are all here to love and be loved.

The coolness of realizing this was game changing for me and I now work to share this with others.  So these words, whether they are thrown our way or shared with us on an email or told to us by ourselves (often the worst at making us internalize and feel bad, I call this your Jiminy Cricket, that little voice that tells you just awful, terrible things that are happening or about to happen) have HUGE power over us.

As a marketer I am well aware that people think in pictures and words do the painting – think of the difference of how you feel after reading, ‘Life is difficult, challenges are many’ and then, ‘You are loved.’  Wow, right?

As I hear those in my world share their angst, I realize how a slight change in these word combinations could change their day.  Seeing one’s ex and managing through that moment is not something I would recommend but hey, it could be worse.  These people that provide us such pain are really our best teachers so if you can think of seeing them with a ‘thanks for teaching me’ and ‘now I am on my way, thank you very much,’ it’ll help you realize that you are back in the drivers seat and on the mend.

For the Mom who has frustrations with her weight, a quick ‘thank you universe for these four healthy children’ combined with a quick reminder, ‘this too shall pass as they will grow, you are doing great and don’t be so hard on yourself’ puts the yuck of the frustration with the lack of free time in place.  The worker bee with OMG galore turned her world around with a realization that she has a job (!) and her delay actually pushed her to get some help (including purchasing an online back-up system) and in the oddest of ways, she was grateful for the panic as it forced her to deal with an issue she has avoided for years.  She used her words of ‘moving forward in my career, no matter the obstacle’ to understand the not-so-unusual issues that work often brings.

For moi?  Perhaps the best for me is what I always share with others – we are indeed, not alone and there is no need to take oneself so dam seriously.  Mr. Jiminy Cricket can stand by, hat in hand, full of gratitude for all that life offers us.  Or, as I often remind him, right now, this very second, as you think about things, or read this or get ready to get out the door, right now someone new is being born (ew, that is clunky language but you get the picture), someone is passing away, someone is falling in love, someone is getting wretched news and someone is laughing with delight.  Here we are, all experiencing this together.

Now that changes ones day. Those are the words that paint the picture I treasure, that of gratitude.  A gentle reminder to watch what you take in and what you allow.  Here’s to your words, your thoughts and your day.  Enjoy.

So this whole Oprah thing has been a fascinating journey into what makes me tick, what makes others tick and how people view themselves.  Lest you wonder what the heck I am talking about here’s the deal:  Oprah has her own TV network and the Oprah Network (OWN) created a contest to win your own TV show.  There are several categories, including ‘Wildcard,’ which I would offer really sums up this entire experience.

Video’s were to be ‘approximately’ three minutes long and you were to share your idea for your show.  A few people forwarded the contest information to me and I thought, sure I’ll get to this.  Work, my daughter’s graduation and life interrupted that thought train and I quickly found myself with a few days left trying to figure out what to do.

The essence of all that I work on, from writing to video’s to coaching to being a Mom and friend is all centered on emotional management.  My simple premise is that we all show up every day and do the best we can with what we have.  The key in this is to learn new skills and most importantly, learn how to manage our emotions.  It can be tough work but oh-so-worth the effort.

So here I was, trying to figure out what to say and how to position it and what to do – I decided to just take a big, fat, wide view, ‘I’m here to help people learn how to communicate and manage their emotions.’  Knowing enough about marketing and presence, I realized that keeping one’s interest during a video is key and that if I tried too hard it would not be good, if you know what I mean.  My favorite editor and aspiring filmmaker helped me put it together and walah!  I was done.

Ha!  I was soooo niave.  Getting the video put into their vid format, trying to add music (nah, we finally decided, this was taking up way too much time) and then getting it accepted took hhhhooouuuurrrrrsssss. And then I realized that, silly me, this is Oprah for goodness sake.  It was taking time b/c everyone in the country was doing what I was. There are millions who would drop to her knees in gratitude should she show up to their grocery store unannounced.  (just to put it out there, my personal opinion is that this is the right thing to do, I consider her to be a fabulous role model for all people, self-effacing, giving and always growing girl that she is).

So the time and the entry’s and the angst all started building.  And I drove myself crazy.  I kept refreshing the url to check on my video – I realized my chances are slim to none but I just wanted to get it ‘done’ and not let this once in a lifetime opportunity go.  And of course, curiosity being what it is, I watched every new video that was uploaded in my category of ‘Health and Wellness’.  Some were silly, some were thought provoking and some were good.  I have to admit that more than once I thought, this is really going to be embarrassing when I finally get it loaded, I simply don’t stand a chance.

And then my business head would rule and remind me that this is a competition!  I need to kick butt.  OK, so I started getting a bit anxious let’s say.  There is a form that you have to complete with the video to be a fully vested in the contest process and somehow, in my ‘busyness’ I thought I had another 10 days to submit the form.  As I was clicking, watching and checking I thought I would review the form again and quickly noted that the form was due!  Shxx!  I think I even surprised the dog as I panicked and was typing away adding in answers to their thoughtful questions with answers that were anything but thoughtful.  Shxx.  I was panicked, I hit ‘submit’ and it reminded me I didn’t put down my favorite movie or magazine.  I am oh-so-sure most applicants listed The Color Purple for the movie and Oprah for the magazine.  Not me, I wasn’t going to be cheesy.  I just wanted to be me.  I wanted to list as my daughter has often said to me, ‘Really?’ ‘Really?  I can’t pick one of anything, I just can’t’.   Doubting my logic, I compromised between the two and picked Love Actually for the movie and Oprah for the magazine.  Form submitted, I went back to my monitoring process.

Here’s what I found.  Some of the entries were really just for entertainment.  I saw people flexing muscles with cans of beans, talking from Jacuzzi’s (so they could be comfortable while talking), lots and lots and lots of diet ‘stuff’ (including dialogue about the healthy nature of the avocado, including a comparison on the shape of the avocado and a womb) along with an accomplished make-up artist sharing how to put on bronzer ‘just so’.  The more I watched the more I thought, well that one is kinda interesting,  jeez I wouldn’t mind learning that, or it would be fun watching her or even interviewing him.

The largeness of it all overwhelmed me.  There are so many!@ video entries. How in the world are they going to pick someone!  The rules offer that you can ‘win’ by the number of votes OR they can pick you.  The votes are telling, the leader now has 8 million votes.  Yep, 8 million.  If I was on the selection committee, I would have to beg forgiveness and move on, I don’t know how you determine something so specific from so much.

My poor husband was left with me in a puddle at the end of the day.  My video hadn’t appeared, there were more and more entries, and I was lost in a sea of information.  I finally decided to hell with it, I gave it a shot, it’s late and I’m exhausted, I have work to do.  Heading to bed he reminded me that there are 200 plus million people in the country so it’s ok, I tried and that is what counts.

This morning I woke up to a sinus headache and a full house of college kids.  As I quietly snuck into my office to see what had happened I typed in my name and OMG, there it was.  My little project, all on it’s own with 0 views and 0 votes.  I had at least jumped on the boat, I had that going for me.

And now, I wonder why my panic and why the craziness of it all.  Really what was that all about?  I landed on a simple premise.  It’s about making a difference, making an impact.  That seems to be the driver, not just for me, but for all of us.  Today as I look at it and notice how many care about so much, it gives me a smile.  How very cool for all of us throwing our hat into the ring, how very overwhelming for the Oprah team.  I’m sure they’ll figure it out, I’m just glad I don’t have to, I would give everyone a vote of ‘yes’ and never leave my office again.

She casually mentions this ‘beach week’ thing and how she and five of her good friends would like to go and have the entire ‘senior year’ experience.  Without even hesitating, I offered a ‘sure’ remembering how it felt to be 18, wanting to be my very own person, having the freedom to decide what I wanted to do, when and who I wanted to spend time with, and the best of all, deciding what I actually wanted to do.  OH the joy of these decisions, they seemed so freeing.

My Mom had a set approach for dealing with each of us, I was the oldest, deemed the ‘responsible’ one and so I was offered few freedoms.  In fact, I was given little to no room for error.  I was kept busy and that worked in a sense, because I could at least keep my mind active as I was tearing through the house with laundry or Windex.  Thoughts of ‘I will never make my kids vacuum the house this often’ are still with me to this day – so when my daughter relates her teenage angst to me, empathy I’ve got.

After I mention this to my husband he naturally, and appropriately, brings in the much-needed reality check. You told her what? Where? Who will drive? We aren’t signing on for the house; lets make sure we are on the same page with this.  Yes, yes, I tell him, of course you make sense, she’ll be ok, we will make sure she is prepared.

Months go by, time pushes fast and right before me this past week I watch her walk a path and move a tassel and all of a sudden she’s done with public education and beach week is days away.

We had already mandated that she and her girlfriends attend a ‘come to the parents’ meeting to review the dangers of the trip.  She is accustomed to these meetings; we have created these for other serious ‘rite of passage’ events – driving, getting your first car, turning 18 and the change in curfew, etc.  These meetings have sign-in sheets, hand out documents and sometimes show a PowerPoint illustrating our well-versed mandates.

Yet I realized I was ill prepared for this trip and for this meeting because the more research I did, the more fear crept in.  The statistics for beach week (by the way, this pertains to wherever there is a beach, they all experience the same challenges) illustrate more than the occasional drunk teen.  Quickly and repeatedly I read accounts of beach week grads jumping off of balconies, contests to see who can hook-up (still amazes me that this slang has replaced ‘having sex’) and lots and lots of binge drinking.

Then I learn of a documentary, ‘The Haze’ about a Colorado teen who dies three weeks into college after binge drinking at a fraternity event.  The more I research, the worse it gets.  The stats are horrifying.

Binge drinking.  Tons of shots.  Drinking upside down.  Drinking from some apparatus that has a hose on it.  Mixing wine, beer and liquor for the ‘effect’.   It’s enough to make me the terrible, mean Mom who changes her mind on a big decision.  I realize that the real answer is teaching and preparation.

I recently saw some movie footage showing interviews with parents, asking them what they felt their primary job was in terms of taking care of their children?  The most common answer was to love them.  Some answered to parent them and then to let them go, or to enjoy them, or protect them, or a worried helicopter Mom’s answer, to pull out the best in them.

My take on this is a bit different – I have always felt that I was handed these little beings filled with love and life and my job was to teach.  Teach them the basic skills of life.  Teach them how to look someone in the eye and shake hands.  Teach them how to how to handle crazy Aunt Toots during the holidays when she says something totally inappropriate to them.  Teach them how to reframe the expected setbacks in life so they don’t feel so put upon.  Teach, teach, teach.

And so I approached this beach meeting with the same philosophy.  I was going to teach, come hell or high-water.  On a dark humid summer evening this week, the girls all piled into the dining room with their long hair and flip flops and excitement to get this last one obstacle before them completed.  The beach awaits.

Two and a half hours later we were done and they were appropriately taught.  And quiet.  And maybe, just maybe, a wee bit wiser.  We reviewed the PowerPoint, we talked about boys and how they are at a different place in life than they are, we talked about the buddy system and safety and even riptides and jellyfish.  We reviewed budgets and keys and insurance.  We watched the documentary ‘The Haze’.

As the patched together saying goes, the teacher is really the student and learns from his students – and yes, I learned.  I learned that though they are 18, they are really big kids.  I learned that they are still growing and learning and trying to figure it out.  I remember this now; I guess I was the same way.

We all heard the same information, and though I am sure this made an impact, I can only hope it sticks.  Beach, boys and being young are strong contenders.  Here’s to teachers everywhere in every form and fashion.

P.S. If you want a copy of the PowerPoint send an email to: kimromancorle@me.com with the subject line ‘Beach’ and I’ll send it you

Maybe it is that very word ‘boss’ – the boss of the department, the boss of the organization, the boss of the team – but it connotes authority and if one isn’t careful to keep appropriate limits, it can result in becoming the boss of you.  When this boss that you work for and support daily, demeans you (or someone else in front of you) or reacts with yelling, unrealistic demands or contempt, it can rock your world.

And though I have been working for the past 30 years, it never seems to fail – when I encounter this type of ‘boss person’ I am taken aback.   At the same time, since these 30 years have provided numerous examples of bosses behaving badly, my patience for this bullying has been stripped down.  I don’t think anyone should be treated poorly for any reason.  Life is too damn short to stay in toxic situations with toxic people.

Soooo easy to say and not easy to do, you note?  Indeed, you are right, it’s a mess of a situation but you can learn how to maneuver through it.  What I know for sure is that you will not change the bully. You cannot change other people, and you certainly can’t get a toxic boss to applaud your tenacity at staying the course.  This challenging little group to work with, these people with issues, tendencies and insecurities, they have their own path to walk.   The trick is to let go of trying to explain, defend and justify.  The challenge is to leave or find some other way to get out of a bad situation.

When I was in my twenties, my boss asked me to his office and summarily yelled at me and told me I was an idiot.  A report he requested was in numbers and metrics, apparently he expected a different format and thought I would give him a written synopsis.  This was news to me! His anger and confrontation came out of nowhere and I was floored.

He was well known for being difficult, but this was my first exposure to his bullying behavior.  Shocked and humiliated, I simply listened.  I never engaged with him.  I didn’t defend or explain.   I just shut down and noted to myself that it was time to leave this toxic situation and company and move along.  I quickly got another job and resigned this position within weeks.  Now these were the days before HR was sensitive to this type of behavior and way before there were processes in place to deal with this type of abuse.  So I simply shut down and left.

This behavior is so ‘in your face’ that it can be obvious to decide it’s time to leave.  But there are other types of work encounters that can be just as difficult, and I would argue, have the potential to be more dangerous because they erode your confidence.

As a marketing professional, I consult for a variety of companies, some I am familiar with, and some I’m not.  I’m good buds with a girlfriend that I’ve known for quite some time, a professional acquaintance who shares stories and insights with me.  Our relationship isn’t too deep; we stay connected professionally and share some basic and surface level stuff.

She once asked me to come in and work with her team on some marketing projects.  Although overwhelmed raising two young children, I was jazzed.  She would often tell me I was the only one she knew that had the base of experience she needed.  That worked for me, as I love making a difference and working with talent, it’s something that gives me the ‘I’m really contributing’ feeling of accomplishment.

So off I went to work with my buddy.  The first few weeks, all went well; I was in and out, meeting with her team, trying to get my bearings and learn what I could.  It was a slow swirl, but I began noticing a few patterns – there were many executives that had come and gone rather quickly, and the others remaining were immature in process, emotional in reaction and worked at a low level of confidence.

A meeting here and a meeting there and I started to notice a pattern – oh my word, I realized, she is a bully.  Now this isn’t the tough, demanding, yet respectful, executive that makes things happen.  This executive is a bully.  She is running her company into the ground.  Bit by bit, decision (or none) by decision, opportunities slide away and her team shrugs with ‘well we did the best we could’.  And then the blame game follows, as there is always someone to talk about and always someone to blame, a sure sign of a dysfunctional office.

It’s an early fall morning and seven people get on a conference call to discuss a huge project we have all been working on in some form or fashion.  Virtually everyone has worked three of the four past weekends, we are all tired and looking to get this project complete.

My buddy the CEO gets on the call with a huge ‘tude’.  Her questions regarding a project are thrown over the phone – ‘I have no idea what you guys are doing’ – ‘I don’t understand anything you put together’ – and my personal favorite, ‘no one ever told me this detail and I have no idea what you are talking about’.   As I maneuver us through this mess of a meeting, she starts really focusing in – ‘what I am trying to communicate to you is that you have it all wrong.  What I am trying to help you with is that you guys don’t understand this client or this project and I can’t believe this is what you have developed.’  It gets a bit nastier and pointed and everyone shuts down, not a word is uttered.

We all know that she has seen everything, been involved with all aspects of this project and on this call, blatantly lies to all of us that she hasn’t seen any of the work for this project.  No one does a thing.

It’s hard to share with you the tone, the push of the words and the combative behavior – suffice it to say that entire group was ready to resign when the meeting was over.  This team had been working with her for over five years.  I discuss this event with a few of the executives and I notice my insistence that this isn’t acceptable behavior is met with apathy – they feel stuck, at a loss as to what to do and her words have hit home.  Their confidence has eroded and their self-doubt is prevalent.

Verbally, emotionally and just shy of physically being abused in a former relationship, my sensitivities to verbal abuse are heightened and my tolerance is low.  Well really, I have no tolerance, but I wanted to finish this damn project because I adhere to standards, and I want to be professional and finish my work as promised. And, this project is incredibly important to the company.

So I’m left with frustration beyond belief, astonishment at how severe this situation is and empathy for those that feel stuck and those that work with her daily.

From my personal experience, and from all that I have learned, I realize that with anything in life you have to manage, any event or situation, you always have two options:  you can either do something or you can do nothing.  This I know for sure – if you are engaged in any destructive relationship, doing nothing will pull you down, and if you continue to stay in this destructive pattern, the ole boss will continue his/her course.  They will continue because they can and because it works for them.

There are so many ways these bosses behaving badly can play out, the ‘fatal attraction’ boss who is passive aggressive and doesn’t directly tell you what he/she wants, and isn’t clear on communication. Instead, he/she will demean you with snide comments, point out issues in front of others and basically put you down with comments about your work to everyone but you.

Then there is the ‘bullhorn’, the confrontational boss who makes everything, and I mean everything, a challenge.  The ‘what are you talking about’ comment can pretty much sum this one up.  Nothing is easy, and everything is a confrontation.  Yet the one I have the most experience with is ‘Sybil’ – one day it’s all peaches and roses and the next day you are walking on thin ice and continually scrutinized because you made a mistake or there was a miscommunication. This boss leaves you questioning yourself and your sanity.  If you are asking ‘is it me?’ there is a good chance you are working for a Sybil.

And I could go on. I know there are more than enough examples of difficult types of bosses, but my real agenda is to help you, Mr./Ms. Reader, survive some of these behaviors.   These are five simple rules I use to manage myself through these situations.

Rule Number One:  Know that you can’t change them.  Period.  All the good intentions in the world can’t change someone; their change is their journey.

Rule Number Two:  If you wouldn’t accept this behavior at home, don’t accept it at work.  The money, the job and the prestige are all short lived anyways, because difficult people like this can take you down in a moments notice.  It’s not worth the price you pay; it’s hurtful and destructive to your esteem.

Rule Number Three:  This does not define you. Work is a valuable part of our experience but it is not YOU.  If you are too closely aligned with work, then the power this has over you is out of balance.  Keep your sanity, keep yourself in sync with who you are, and know that bad things happening to you do not mean that YOU are bad.

Rule Number Four:  Take care of you as you would a friend.  Often it is easier for us to do something for others than to take care of ourselves. Treat yourself kindly, you are worth it and you are valuable.  No one deserves to be treated poorly.

Rule Number Five:  Fill yourself up with positive – positive people, words, movies, sayings, music, mediations, etc. will all fill your soul and work to balance your esteem.

My huge hope is that there are very few who experience this type of bullying at work but my guess is that it is more prevalent that most of us know.  Remember that if you are putting good energy after bad, this can trip you up and result in angst, frustration beyond compare, depression and self-doubt.

Don’t let this type of engagement pull you down – if you won’t take care of yourself for you, then do it for me.  And on that note, I resigned from my friends project. Based on her rantings, I knew that after five more months of working in that environment would have resulted in me throwing my computer out the windowJ Aside from the obvious problems this presented, I love my MAC way too much for that.

Apparently March is National Women’s History Month.  Not much fanfare for this, in fact I’m not sure I even knew it existed.  In the interest of supporting this celebratory note for all of us gals, I can shed a bit of history with you – we are tired.  No matter when they came through, women of all types and ages and ranges are simply pooped.

Now I get it, men are too and we all do too much.  But I dare say there has never been a time in history where so much is expected out of us females.  As a Mom to three girls (one daughter and two step-daughters) I try to paint the reality for them that they will soon face – it’s their journey and it’s their job to balance for themselves.  Many of us fail miserably at this, I can’t think of one friend, relative or neighbor that is in perfect ‘balance’.

DISCLAIMER:  reference ‘balance’, someone who is content and comfortable with where she is and what she does and how she handles ALL things.

It feels as if there is this quiet expectation set to do it all – not just work and be a Mom but it feels larger than that – as if we are supposed to be like ‘Elizabeth Dole or Hillary Clinton’ (I play no favor to which side of the isle you sit on) creating powerful careers and really making a difference, ‘Martha Stewart’ with homemade goodies and baskets of fresh flowers strewn about the house (the same house that offers incredibly organized and well groomed cabinets and shelves), a Victoria Secret’s model with a curvy body and even after giving birth to several children, the all important abs of steel and triceps of stone, a PTA Mom that never forgets to sign a report or volunteer for a quick hour or two when needed and have personal relationships with teachers to help usher our children through school appropriately and a great entertainer, well put together, pretty much happy and smiling all the time.

Now.

That being said I will share that my sense is we women are the hardest on ourselves.  I would bet that most households (including spouse and children) would be totally cool if we scaled back on the expectations and were ok to just say ‘I just can’t’ or ‘not sure I need to do that’ or really look inside and be ok with who we are and where we sit.

It’s such a tough balancing act and I wonder about the struggles of our ancestors, the women who worried about feeding and clothing their children, or guarding against free flowing disease and illness that captured so many so quickly.  It all goes back to what is important and how to define our priorities.

Thanks to Mr. Maslow, we would start with the basics of food, security and safety and work up from there.  Now that we do indeed have our freedoms, the journey is back on us and we need to figure this out without taking on guilt and shame and remorse.

And we need to stop judging.   Someone mentioned to me last week that they couldn’t get over how poorly a friend kept house and were buzzing about it a bit, as this particular Mom doesn’t’ work full time.  My gut level response is, who the heck cares?  The role we play to support each other should be just that – to support each other and not to compare, contrast and pull each other apart in our assessment of who is doing what and how we stack up.  Silliness.

It seems perspective is always my best friend.  How about the fact that we have these freedoms?  It’s tough for sure, today’s environment offers a new set of challenges to face and maybe the real answer is learning how to manage all of this and shifting priorities and responsibilities around.  What worked before doesn’t work now.

Things are moving, changing and we are growing.  How wonderful.  How scary.  To help out, I made a little chart that provides insight into our decisions.  Listed on the left are expectations, unspoken as well as my personal expectations (which may or may not align with yours) and then I added criteria of ‘How I stack up’ and lastly how much priority I give the expectations.

Wow.  I realized that I change this daily in terms of how I stack up. So I am not bad or good or not balanced.  I am simply living life.  Feeling better already, I am going to print this out and put it in my ‘personal items’ folder I carry around with me that includes goals, affirmations, etc. as a reminder that we are all indeed in balance.  After all, we all show up every day and do the best that we can.  That in itself should be recognized.  And embraced.