Bosses Behaving Badly
Maybe it is that very word ‘boss’ – the boss of the department, the boss of the organization, the boss of the team – but it connotes authority and if one isn’t careful to keep appropriate limits, it can result in becoming the boss of you. When this boss that you work for and support daily, demeans you (or someone else in front of you) or reacts with yelling, unrealistic demands or contempt, it can rock your world.
And though I have been working for the past 30 years, it never seems to fail – when I encounter this type of ‘boss person’ I am taken aback. At the same time, since these 30 years have provided numerous examples of bosses behaving badly, my patience for this bullying has been stripped down. I don’t think anyone should be treated poorly for any reason. Life is too damn short to stay in toxic situations with toxic people.
Soooo easy to say and not easy to do, you note? Indeed, you are right, it’s a mess of a situation but you can learn how to maneuver through it. What I know for sure is that you will not change the bully. You cannot change other people, and you certainly can’t get a toxic boss to applaud your tenacity at staying the course. This challenging little group to work with, these people with issues, tendencies and insecurities, they have their own path to walk. The trick is to let go of trying to explain, defend and justify. The challenge is to leave or find some other way to get out of a bad situation.
When I was in my twenties, my boss asked me to his office and summarily yelled at me and told me I was an idiot. A report he requested was in numbers and metrics, apparently he expected a different format and thought I would give him a written synopsis. This was news to me! His anger and confrontation came out of nowhere and I was floored.
He was well known for being difficult, but this was my first exposure to his bullying behavior. Shocked and humiliated, I simply listened. I never engaged with him. I didn’t defend or explain. I just shut down and noted to myself that it was time to leave this toxic situation and company and move along. I quickly got another job and resigned this position within weeks. Now these were the days before HR was sensitive to this type of behavior and way before there were processes in place to deal with this type of abuse. So I simply shut down and left.
This behavior is so ‘in your face’ that it can be obvious to decide it’s time to leave. But there are other types of work encounters that can be just as difficult, and I would argue, have the potential to be more dangerous because they erode your confidence.
As a marketing professional, I consult for a variety of companies, some I am familiar with, and some I’m not. I’m good buds with a girlfriend that I’ve known for quite some time, a professional acquaintance who shares stories and insights with me. Our relationship isn’t too deep; we stay connected professionally and share some basic and surface level stuff.
She once asked me to come in and work with her team on some marketing projects. Although overwhelmed raising two young children, I was jazzed. She would often tell me I was the only one she knew that had the base of experience she needed. That worked for me, as I love making a difference and working with talent, it’s something that gives me the ‘I’m really contributing’ feeling of accomplishment.
So off I went to work with my buddy. The first few weeks, all went well; I was in and out, meeting with her team, trying to get my bearings and learn what I could. It was a slow swirl, but I began noticing a few patterns – there were many executives that had come and gone rather quickly, and the others remaining were immature in process, emotional in reaction and worked at a low level of confidence.
A meeting here and a meeting there and I started to notice a pattern – oh my word, I realized, she is a bully. Now this isn’t the tough, demanding, yet respectful, executive that makes things happen. This executive is a bully. She is running her company into the ground. Bit by bit, decision (or none) by decision, opportunities slide away and her team shrugs with ‘well we did the best we could’. And then the blame game follows, as there is always someone to talk about and always someone to blame, a sure sign of a dysfunctional office.
It’s an early fall morning and seven people get on a conference call to discuss a huge project we have all been working on in some form or fashion. Virtually everyone has worked three of the four past weekends, we are all tired and looking to get this project complete.
My buddy the CEO gets on the call with a huge ‘tude’. Her questions regarding a project are thrown over the phone – ‘I have no idea what you guys are doing’ – ‘I don’t understand anything you put together’ – and my personal favorite, ‘no one ever told me this detail and I have no idea what you are talking about’. As I maneuver us through this mess of a meeting, she starts really focusing in – ‘what I am trying to communicate to you is that you have it all wrong. What I am trying to help you with is that you guys don’t understand this client or this project and I can’t believe this is what you have developed.’ It gets a bit nastier and pointed and everyone shuts down, not a word is uttered.
We all know that she has seen everything, been involved with all aspects of this project and on this call, blatantly lies to all of us that she hasn’t seen any of the work for this project. No one does a thing.
It’s hard to share with you the tone, the push of the words and the combative behavior – suffice it to say that entire group was ready to resign when the meeting was over. This team had been working with her for over five years. I discuss this event with a few of the executives and I notice my insistence that this isn’t acceptable behavior is met with apathy – they feel stuck, at a loss as to what to do and her words have hit home. Their confidence has eroded and their self-doubt is prevalent.
Verbally, emotionally and just shy of physically being abused in a former relationship, my sensitivities to verbal abuse are heightened and my tolerance is low. Well really, I have no tolerance, but I wanted to finish this damn project because I adhere to standards, and I want to be professional and finish my work as promised. And, this project is incredibly important to the company.
So I’m left with frustration beyond belief, astonishment at how severe this situation is and empathy for those that feel stuck and those that work with her daily.
From my personal experience, and from all that I have learned, I realize that with anything in life you have to manage, any event or situation, you always have two options: you can either do something or you can do nothing. This I know for sure – if you are engaged in any destructive relationship, doing nothing will pull you down, and if you continue to stay in this destructive pattern, the ole boss will continue his/her course. They will continue because they can and because it works for them.
There are so many ways these bosses behaving badly can play out, the ‘fatal attraction’ boss who is passive aggressive and doesn’t directly tell you what he/she wants, and isn’t clear on communication. Instead, he/she will demean you with snide comments, point out issues in front of others and basically put you down with comments about your work to everyone but you.
Then there is the ‘bullhorn’, the confrontational boss who makes everything, and I mean everything, a challenge. The ‘what are you talking about’ comment can pretty much sum this one up. Nothing is easy, and everything is a confrontation. Yet the one I have the most experience with is ‘Sybil’ – one day it’s all peaches and roses and the next day you are walking on thin ice and continually scrutinized because you made a mistake or there was a miscommunication. This boss leaves you questioning yourself and your sanity. If you are asking ‘is it me?’ there is a good chance you are working for a Sybil.
And I could go on. I know there are more than enough examples of difficult types of bosses, but my real agenda is to help you, Mr./Ms. Reader, survive some of these behaviors. These are five simple rules I use to manage myself through these situations.
Rule Number One: Know that you can’t change them. Period. All the good intentions in the world can’t change someone; their change is their journey.
Rule Number Two: If you wouldn’t accept this behavior at home, don’t accept it at work. The money, the job and the prestige are all short lived anyways, because difficult people like this can take you down in a moments notice. It’s not worth the price you pay; it’s hurtful and destructive to your esteem.
Rule Number Three: This does not define you. Work is a valuable part of our experience but it is not YOU. If you are too closely aligned with work, then the power this has over you is out of balance. Keep your sanity, keep yourself in sync with who you are, and know that bad things happening to you do not mean that YOU are bad.
Rule Number Four: Take care of you as you would a friend. Often it is easier for us to do something for others than to take care of ourselves. Treat yourself kindly, you are worth it and you are valuable. No one deserves to be treated poorly.
Rule Number Five: Fill yourself up with positive – positive people, words, movies, sayings, music, mediations, etc. will all fill your soul and work to balance your esteem.
My huge hope is that there are very few who experience this type of bullying at work but my guess is that it is more prevalent that most of us know. Remember that if you are putting good energy after bad, this can trip you up and result in angst, frustration beyond compare, depression and self-doubt.
Don’t let this type of engagement pull you down – if you won’t take care of yourself for you, then do it for me. And on that note, I resigned from my friends project. Based on her rantings, I knew that after five more months of working in that environment would have resulted in me throwing my computer out the windowJ Aside from the obvious problems this presented, I love my MAC way too much for that.
Keeping it all in balance – ha!
Apparently March is National Women’s History Month. Not much fanfare for this, in fact I’m not sure I even knew it existed. In the interest of supporting this celebratory note for all of us gals, I can shed a bit of history with you – we are tired. No matter when they came through, women of all types and ages and ranges are simply pooped.
Now I get it, men are too and we all do too much. But I dare say there has never been a time in history where so much is expected out of us females. As a Mom to three girls (one daughter and two step-daughters) I try to paint the reality for them that they will soon face – it’s their journey and it’s their job to balance for themselves. Many of us fail miserably at this, I can’t think of one friend, relative or neighbor that is in perfect ‘balance’.
DISCLAIMER: reference ‘balance’, someone who is content and comfortable with where she is and what she does and how she handles ALL things.
It feels as if there is this quiet expectation set to do it all – not just work and be a Mom but it feels larger than that – as if we are supposed to be like ‘Elizabeth Dole or Hillary Clinton’ (I play no favor to which side of the isle you sit on) creating powerful careers and really making a difference, ‘Martha Stewart’ with homemade goodies and baskets of fresh flowers strewn about the house (the same house that offers incredibly organized and well groomed cabinets and shelves), a Victoria Secret’s model with a curvy body and even after giving birth to several children, the all important abs of steel and triceps of stone, a PTA Mom that never forgets to sign a report or volunteer for a quick hour or two when needed and have personal relationships with teachers to help usher our children through school appropriately and a great entertainer, well put together, pretty much happy and smiling all the time.
Now.
That being said I will share that my sense is we women are the hardest on ourselves. I would bet that most households (including spouse and children) would be totally cool if we scaled back on the expectations and were ok to just say ‘I just can’t’ or ‘not sure I need to do that’ or really look inside and be ok with who we are and where we sit.
It’s such a tough balancing act and I wonder about the struggles of our ancestors, the women who worried about feeding and clothing their children, or guarding against free flowing disease and illness that captured so many so quickly. It all goes back to what is important and how to define our priorities.
Thanks to Mr. Maslow, we would start with the basics of food, security and safety and work up from there. Now that we do indeed have our freedoms, the journey is back on us and we need to figure this out without taking on guilt and shame and remorse.
And we need to stop judging. Someone mentioned to me last week that they couldn’t get over how poorly a friend kept house and were buzzing about it a bit, as this particular Mom doesn’t’ work full time. My gut level response is, who the heck cares? The role we play to support each other should be just that – to support each other and not to compare, contrast and pull each other apart in our assessment of who is doing what and how we stack up. Silliness.
It seems perspective is always my best friend. How about the fact that we have these freedoms? It’s tough for sure, today’s environment offers a new set of challenges to face and maybe the real answer is learning how to manage all of this and shifting priorities and responsibilities around. What worked before doesn’t work now.
Things are moving, changing and we are growing. How wonderful. How scary. To help out, I made a little chart that provides insight into our decisions. Listed on the left are expectations, unspoken as well as my personal expectations (which may or may not align with yours) and then I added criteria of ‘How I stack up’ and lastly how much priority I give the expectations.
| Expectations | How I stack up | Priority |
| Elizabeth Dole or Hillary Clinton | ||
| Martha Stewart | ||
| Victoria Secret Model | ||
| PTA Mom | ||
| HAPPY all the time! | ||
| Wife – Supportive spouse, loving, honest | ||
| Mom – Nurturing, teaching, guiding | ||
| Sis/Daughter – Helpful, considerate family member | ||
| Friend – Generous and thoughtful | ||
| Professional – Hard working, dedicated, striving to grow |
Wow. I realized that I change this daily in terms of how I stack up. So I am not bad or good or not balanced. I am simply living life. Feeling better already, I am going to print this out and put it in my ‘personal items’ folder I carry around with me that includes goals, affirmations, etc. as a reminder that we are all indeed in balance. After all, we all show up every day and do the best that we can. That in itself should be recognized. And embraced.
What’s this all about anyway?
Ew it’s kinda nasty out there isn’t it? Storms and earthquakes, big and small, continuing fights about healthcare and Sarah Palin whacking around her sarcastic banter, not to help in any contributing way, but merely to help her. And I could go on. Frustration with the simple inability to ‘get back to normal’ is shared across the country. Things seem dicey and patience appears to be running thin. This is all pushing us along, especially those of us that can’t ‘remember’ (and let it be said, the lack of memory could be due to my new best friend, Ms. Menopause). But all of that said, if you are looking to feel better and find a wee bit of inspiration, we should venture into your thoughts and look at your perspective, for this is the very one thing you can control.
I could share stories of heroism from the blizzard out east or the inspiring stories from the people of Haiti, or the beauty of a new baby that I know who recently joined all of us (welcome Jacob!), but when we are beyond the ability to take it in, we close up. Maybe, with a little bit of luck, a good cup of hot java, and some quieting music in the background, I can help pull you out of the hole of darkness.
Let’s establish some ground rules so we are all on the same page:
1. Life isn’t fair. Fair cards were not handed out when you were born. Although many of us suspect that there are those who were secretly handed one as they left the hospital by the on-call angel nurse who tucked it under their blanket, the truth is we were all given the same blank canvas.
2. Life is a mystery. No matter what you believe, who you worship, dead or alive, how your spirituality guides you, we are all working on the scaffolding of faith. Faith is the leap we take on belief. Belief is how we reconcile our journey. There is no religion or factual guide that has all of the answers. There is much we know, and much we don’t. Or, as I quietly put it one night to my roommate in college during an incredibly reflective time after a crush that went bad, changing my major midstream and learning that my ‘life’ was just one flavor of many, ‘Life is the weirdest thing in the whole wild world.’
3. Life is what we make it. This is where my fire smolders a bit, I am constantly amazed at the entitlement many demand. Here on the east, we are in the middle of blizzard number two. Anyone who has visited Washington, D.C. knows that the likelihood of this area being ‘READY’ for something like this is slim to none. No, we don’t keep 67 extra snow plows available for storms that come once very 100 years and no, we don’t have steadfast plans for disaster when roofs are caving in due to the weight of snow and roads are covered with ice. Some of this could be better, yes, but for the most part, we are crawling our way through this. And yet, yesterday I heard about people throwing snow at plows because they had taken several days to come and get to some side streets. Really?
Ok, so now we have our guiding rules: nothing is fair, we don’t understand everything and how we get through any of this is up to us. Focusing on the ‘up to us’ part is my specialty. Along with thousands upon thousands , things have happened to me that I couldn’t get my hands around, that I couldn’t understand. And so. And so I stand outside of it and I look at it. And I find gratitude wherever I can. We can always start with the basics. IF you are reading this, you have your ‘faculties’ meaning you are alert, able to process, your mind is working and you aren’t struggling with a debilitating mental illness, then let’s give thanks. If you are reading this from a computer and you can READ which means you are educated (no matter the degrees or the grades, you have more than most), let’s give thanks.
The hard part comes when we all go, ya, whatever, I can read, I am here, big friggin deal. Digging deeper we will go outside of ‘us’ and look beyond. Travel a bit. Look down the block or over the ocean or in another city. What will you find?
There is the woman crying quietly because she is a woman and not allowed to have a fair trial, no matter that she was raped. There is the small 8yr old who is passing in the next 24hrs because there is no cure. The war hero who can no longer walk or care for himself is now in a home with substandard care and hasn’t had a visitor in two years. There is the neglected teen who wanders the streets looking for identity and when he can, pushes drugs into his system to numb the pain. These are the obvious examples but there are more.
There is the family who is in debt, has a sick child, and is in the middle of a storm which means Dad can’t get out and make money to pay the bills. There is the single Mom who is worried about her daughter, thinks she might be sexually active, could have a STD and is working two jobs to keep the house so they don’t have to move again. There is the farmer who is depressed beyond compare. The weather has handed the latest blow and the crops won’t survive or produce this year – which means more debt and the possibility of foreclosure. There is the Mom who is facing her second bought of cancer and was just let go and is trying to figure out what to do for work. There is the young newlywed who can’t find a job to save his soul, he has applied to everything he can find and now faces the reality of living with his in-laws.
Deeper still: there are mothers, brothers, uncles, sisters and stepfathers – there is some of everything in some foreign country, doing what they can every day to keep peace on our soil and do their part for our military. They wake up every day and never know what is coming their way. People hate them and they aren’t sure why but they fight and they show up and they try hard.
There are entire countries in bankruptcy, some run by drug lords and some facing disasters beyond their comprehension. And yet, on we go. Every single day, every single minute, every single second, you have one ability that is shared across the globe. You can choose how you look at things. You can choose your thoughts. You can choose your perspective. Nothing – no disaster, no person, no situation, no hurt, can take that away from you.
Pollyanna has left the building, I know it’s not easy. This doesn’t mean that all is well and there is no pain or heartache. It does mean that some of this is just junk to move through, things to process and put in their place while you remember that you are still here, with us, enjoying these moments. ‘This too shall pass’, is one of my favorite quotes. Father time is our friend, as time moves on, things change. That is the constant you can count on. Change.
And with change comes the new. Things move along and you are given a new view. When you see things from another mountain top, you can see the struggles around you. We all swim in the same emotional waters – we have the frustrations, hurt, anger, resentment and loss. But in the river, you will find the rest of us, some at different places, some that are delighted, happy and carefree. Yet we are all in this life pool of shared dilemmas. You are not targeted and troubles are not just given to you to carry.
During one particularly difficult day I had years ago, I realized that my despair was something that many before me had encountered. It hit me square between the eyes – I wasn’t experiencing any feeling that others hadn’t experienced before. That gave me comfort, knowing that I was part of this beautiful ‘life’ experience – and that I wasn’t alone or singled out or some sort of test case for suffering. I was simply alive.
Still stuck? Then just move a bit- use your body to work it out, something has to give, when you exhaust yourself it’s much harder to be bottled up. No matter what may come our way, I send you the gift of knowing that you are in good company and never alone.
As the wise have said before me, ‘choose your thoughts, choose your life.’ Take heed, take care and take time for you. You are simply not alone, we are all in this together. Hugs and love.
Moving ahead, moving along….
2010 is making it’s way quickly, a blizzard on the east, disaster in Haiti and continued fighting about how we offer healthcare. It seems to me that the simplest if often the most overlooked - the biggest gift we could offer anyone is to better ourselves. With the internet and social media changing how we communicate, the opportunities to learn and grow are endless. Take for example, the Self Growth site run by David Riklan. He has diligently compiled a vast assortment of resources that are available at your fingertips – information and support for anything from parenting to the 12 step program to growing older. There are a host of others, find your way and find what suites you, there is simply no reason not to stand up, take stock and move forward. Always remember you are never alone, we are all on this same journey together. If you find something special that is beneficial, send me a note, always looking to learn. Cheers to you all:)
How to self-protect in three simple steps.
How do you take care of your emotions? Use boundaries and take care of you. Just as fences are for safe playgrounds, boundaries are for safe relationships.
Have you heard about the concept of boundaries and how to create more boundaries in your life lately? Whether this concept was introduced to you through self-help books, divorce groups, 12-step programs, therapy, parenting guides or just a good friend, you probably have tested this concept in some form or fashion.
Setting boundaries is not the same as simply saying “no” to behaviors or requests. Don’t get me wrong, setting limits on what you will tolerate or how involved you will get is certainly a component of setting boundaries, but it is not as black and white as just affirming your “no’s”. Boundaries are movable, adaptable means of protecting ourselves in order to maintain healthy and safe relationships.
You might think that the most difficult part of setting boundaries is actually verbalizing this to another person, but once you set yourself up to win, this will be a very easy and freeing part of the process. Here’s how to begin:
Step One: Believe in your rights. Believe you have a right to stand up for yourself. Let me express that again. First and foremost you must feel worthy of accepting good, healthy behaviors from others and in turn, rejecting those that compromise your self-worth. Think of it this way, if you say “yes” to a request or a behavior out of fear (hurting someone’s feelings, they might not like you, you are not good enough to say “no”) you are lacking enough self-worth to set healthy boundaries for yourself.
Have you ever been frustrated watching a family member, friend or colleague take too much grief or accept too much guilt? For a moment, let’s consider the possibility that someone in your life has had that same frustration because you were the one ‘taking it’. It is so much easier to see the good and worthiness in others and try to help them see it than it is for us to see it in ourselves. It is your responsibility to yourself to decide how you will be treated.
A simple trick for this is to remember you are not only doing yourself a favor but you are doing the other person a favor as well – they need their boundaries too. It’s healthy living and creates healthy relationships.
Step Two: Learn from past situations. Have you ever been in a situation when your feelings were hurt or you felt boxed in and it wasn’t until later that you knew what you would have liked to say in the moment? Silly question, right? Of course you have, we all have. The best thing to do in that situation is to think through or journal those responses. Really think about how they would be received, how your words could be adjusted so that your response would clearly state your feelings and limits while still showing compassion for the other person.
Consider starting your sentences with “I feel…” rather than “You hurt me…”. By owning the statement and stating how you feel with an ‘I’ statement you do not take on the identity of the anger nor do you blame the other person. Beginning a sentence with ‘you’ creates something for the person to defend, a small shift to using ‘I’ keeps the statement with you. Now that you have found healthy ways of reacting to that type of situation, the next time something similar occurs you will have your dialogue ready, stored in your mental filing cabinet. Your responses will be well thought out but also delivered in the moment. How powerful is that? If we don’t learn from the past we are doomed to repeat it – sound familiar?
Step Three: Letting go of the outcome. When you know you can and that you should be setting boundaries and you have worked out what to say to reaffirm those limits, you have set yourself up to win when the time comes to express your feelings. Now, the big reveal – and the most freeing part of this process – letting go of the outcome. What I mean by this is to try not to let how other people will respond or what they might think about you impact your desire to keep boundaries or affect your actions. I know it is hard to imagine, but can you feel how freeing it will be when someone else’s opinion of you does not influence your behavior or prevent you from speaking up for yourself? Wow, huh?
Please be assured that learning this might take some practice. I used every trick I could find to learn and be comfortable with this process, including writing out notes and statements before I would confront particularly difficult people.
There is a well-known saying “Your opinion of me is none of my business”. Seems a bit harsh when you first read it, but in essence, it is not saying “I don’t care what you think”, but instead says “I don’t own what you think”. Dr. Wayne Dyer speaks of this issue quite extensively and to summarize, he believes that someone else’s opinion of us says more about them than it does about us. We tend to project onto others our own beliefs and insecurities so if someone does not like you for this or that reason, chances are they feel inadequate or threatened by that characteristic that you represent to them. A bit confusing, I know, but think of it this way, if you were to know what everyone was thinking about you and you tried to change their beliefs or please everyone, you would be running around in circles. What some people admire in you, others scorn. And it’s the same with you – you like some people and not others. That’s ok. So in the end, let go of how you think other people will respond to your boundaries. Let go of the fear of not pleasing everyone. Let go of the outcome.
I offer you the following blessing:
May you feel a strong sense of self. May you know your acceptable limits. May you be comfortable expressing them. May you not own the feelings of others.
What boundaries do you regularly protect? Where do you feel you need stronger fences? I would love to hear your insights and questions below.
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