The Power of Positive Thinking
Note to self: the past 24 hours have provided, yet again, a reminder that it is oh-so-important to fill oneself up with the good, the lovely and the positive.
Let’s see, we have the dear friend of mine who ran into her ex and felt terrible about herself ‘all over again’, the neighbor who can’t seem to get in shape and told me ‘to hell with it’ because she doesn’t have the time to focus on herself (four children under the age of six) and the client who was in total (and I mean total) distress as her computer crashed, furthering her missed deadline on a long running, time sensitive project now jeopardizing the promotion that is due to come her way.
And then there is me. Anxious about pending client work, a wee-bit of Mom nervousness because the last little bird is leaving the coop and my overall direction in midlife as I play with patches and creams and the meaning of ‘why am I here rabbit, oh why?’ I find myself searching out for the good to feel better. It’s something I actively do and has served me well.
And so I realize that these words, these vehicles that transmit meaning and care and information and assessment all play such a valuable role in our lives. It is these words that we read that can shock us, surprise us or simply soothe us. I prefer the latter, remembering my first read of Norman Vincent Peale’s ‘The Power of Positive Thinking’ and the combination of words and feeling positive and how it all came together.
That was my first step into this motivational, let’s-look-at-the-good-side-and-help you-out world. This has only grown for me, after suffering (ok, I admit, bad choice of words here, I hate the idea of victimization) through a verbally abusive marriage that was so tough on my psyche that I began asking friends and family, ‘am I that bad? Really, you can tell me the truth. I have been told that I don’t walk right, and I am a mess, don’t make enough money, blah, blah blah.’ After years of therapy, and a determination to master what was happening to me, I realized that I took these words thrown my way and incorporated them into the fabric of who I was.
I took back my power and left and started over. It was then that the wah-lah! hit – I needed to feed myself full of positive – anything that helped me reframe was incorporated into my daily world – words in music, words in books, words in quotes, words in articles – all helped me feed that void of knowing that life is actually quite a fabulous entertaining ride and that we are all here to love and be loved.
The coolness of realizing this was game changing for me and I now work to share this with others. So these words, whether they are thrown our way or shared with us on an email or told to us by ourselves (often the worst at making us internalize and feel bad, I call this your Jiminy Cricket, that little voice that tells you just awful, terrible things that are happening or about to happen) have HUGE power over us.
As a marketer I am well aware that people think in pictures and words do the painting – think of the difference of how you feel after reading, ‘Life is difficult, challenges are many’ and then, ‘You are loved.’ Wow, right?
As I hear those in my world share their angst, I realize how a slight change in these word combinations could change their day. Seeing one’s ex and managing through that moment is not something I would recommend but hey, it could be worse. These people that provide us such pain are really our best teachers so if you can think of seeing them with a ‘thanks for teaching me’ and ‘now I am on my way, thank you very much,’ it’ll help you realize that you are back in the drivers seat and on the mend.
For the Mom who has frustrations with her weight, a quick ‘thank you universe for these four healthy children’ combined with a quick reminder, ‘this too shall pass as they will grow, you are doing great and don’t be so hard on yourself’ puts the yuck of the frustration with the lack of free time in place. The worker bee with OMG galore turned her world around with a realization that she has a job (!) and her delay actually pushed her to get some help (including purchasing an online back-up system) and in the oddest of ways, she was grateful for the panic as it forced her to deal with an issue she has avoided for years. She used her words of ‘moving forward in my career, no matter the obstacle’ to understand the not-so-unusual issues that work often brings.
For moi? Perhaps the best for me is what I always share with others – we are indeed, not alone and there is no need to take oneself so dam seriously. Mr. Jiminy Cricket can stand by, hat in hand, full of gratitude for all that life offers us. Or, as I often remind him, right now, this very second, as you think about things, or read this or get ready to get out the door, right now someone new is being born (ew, that is clunky language but you get the picture), someone is passing away, someone is falling in love, someone is getting wretched news and someone is laughing with delight. Here we are, all experiencing this together.
Now that changes ones day. Those are the words that paint the picture I treasure, that of gratitude. A gentle reminder to watch what you take in and what you allow. Here’s to your words, your thoughts and your day. Enjoy.
8 million votes and counting, how to host your own TV show
So this whole Oprah thing has been a fascinating journey into what makes me tick, what makes others tick and how people view themselves. Lest you wonder what the heck I am talking about here’s the deal: Oprah has her own TV network and the Oprah Network (OWN) created a contest to win your own TV show. There are several categories, including ‘Wildcard,’ which I would offer really sums up this entire experience.
Video’s were to be ‘approximately’ three minutes long and you were to share your idea for your show. A few people forwarded the contest information to me and I thought, sure I’ll get to this. Work, my daughter’s graduation and life interrupted that thought train and I quickly found myself with a few days left trying to figure out what to do.
The essence of all that I work on, from writing to video’s to coaching to being a Mom and friend is all centered on emotional management. My simple premise is that we all show up every day and do the best we can with what we have. The key in this is to learn new skills and most importantly, learn how to manage our emotions. It can be tough work but oh-so-worth the effort.
So here I was, trying to figure out what to say and how to position it and what to do – I decided to just take a big, fat, wide view, ‘I’m here to help people learn how to communicate and manage their emotions.’ Knowing enough about marketing and presence, I realized that keeping one’s interest during a video is key and that if I tried too hard it would not be good, if you know what I mean. My favorite editor and aspiring filmmaker helped me put it together and walah! I was done.
Ha! I was soooo niave. Getting the video put into their vid format, trying to add music (nah, we finally decided, this was taking up way too much time) and then getting it accepted took hhhhooouuuurrrrrsssss. And then I realized that, silly me, this is Oprah for goodness sake. It was taking time b/c everyone in the country was doing what I was. There are millions who would drop to her knees in gratitude should she show up to their grocery store unannounced. (just to put it out there, my personal opinion is that this is the right thing to do, I consider her to be a fabulous role model for all people, self-effacing, giving and always growing girl that she is).
So the time and the entry’s and the angst all started building. And I drove myself crazy. I kept refreshing the url to check on my video – I realized my chances are slim to none but I just wanted to get it ‘done’ and not let this once in a lifetime opportunity go. And of course, curiosity being what it is, I watched every new video that was uploaded in my category of ‘Health and Wellness’. Some were silly, some were thought provoking and some were good. I have to admit that more than once I thought, this is really going to be embarrassing when I finally get it loaded, I simply don’t stand a chance.
And then my business head would rule and remind me that this is a competition! I need to kick butt. OK, so I started getting a bit anxious let’s say. There is a form that you have to complete with the video to be a fully vested in the contest process and somehow, in my ‘busyness’ I thought I had another 10 days to submit the form. As I was clicking, watching and checking I thought I would review the form again and quickly noted that the form was due! Shxx! I think I even surprised the dog as I panicked and was typing away adding in answers to their thoughtful questions with answers that were anything but thoughtful. Shxx. I was panicked, I hit ‘submit’ and it reminded me I didn’t put down my favorite movie or magazine. I am oh-so-sure most applicants listed The Color Purple for the movie and Oprah for the magazine. Not me, I wasn’t going to be cheesy. I just wanted to be me. I wanted to list as my daughter has often said to me, ‘Really?’ ‘Really? I can’t pick one of anything, I just can’t’. Doubting my logic, I compromised between the two and picked Love Actually for the movie and Oprah for the magazine. Form submitted, I went back to my monitoring process.
Here’s what I found. Some of the entries were really just for entertainment. I saw people flexing muscles with cans of beans, talking from Jacuzzi’s (so they could be comfortable while talking), lots and lots and lots of diet ‘stuff’ (including dialogue about the healthy nature of the avocado, including a comparison on the shape of the avocado and a womb) along with an accomplished make-up artist sharing how to put on bronzer ‘just so’. The more I watched the more I thought, well that one is kinda interesting, jeez I wouldn’t mind learning that, or it would be fun watching her or even interviewing him.
The largeness of it all overwhelmed me. There are so many!@ video entries. How in the world are they going to pick someone! The rules offer that you can ‘win’ by the number of votes OR they can pick you. The votes are telling, the leader now has 8 million votes. Yep, 8 million. If I was on the selection committee, I would have to beg forgiveness and move on, I don’t know how you determine something so specific from so much.
My poor husband was left with me in a puddle at the end of the day. My video hadn’t appeared, there were more and more entries, and I was lost in a sea of information. I finally decided to hell with it, I gave it a shot, it’s late and I’m exhausted, I have work to do. Heading to bed he reminded me that there are 200 plus million people in the country so it’s ok, I tried and that is what counts.
This morning I woke up to a sinus headache and a full house of college kids. As I quietly snuck into my office to see what had happened I typed in my name and OMG, there it was. My little project, all on it’s own with 0 views and 0 votes. I had at least jumped on the boat, I had that going for me.
And now, I wonder why my panic and why the craziness of it all. Really what was that all about? I landed on a simple premise. It’s about making a difference, making an impact. That seems to be the driver, not just for me, but for all of us. Today as I look at it and notice how many care about so much, it gives me a smile. How very cool for all of us throwing our hat into the ring, how very overwhelming for the Oprah team. I’m sure they’ll figure it out, I’m just glad I don’t have to, I would give everyone a vote of ‘yes’ and never leave my office again.
Beach week? You told them what??
She casually mentions this ‘beach week’ thing and how she and five of her 
good friends would like to go and have the entire ‘senior year’ experience. Without even hesitating, I offered a ‘sure’ remembering how it felt to be 18, wanting to be my very own person, having the freedom to decide what I wanted to do, when and who I wanted to spend time with, and the best of all, deciding what I actually wanted to do. OH the joy of these decisions, they seemed so freeing.
My Mom had a set approach for dealing with each of us, I was the oldest, deemed the ‘responsible’ one and so I was offered few freedoms. In fact, I was given little to no room for error. I was kept busy and that worked in a sense, because I could at least keep my mind active as I was tearing through the house with laundry or Windex. Thoughts of ‘I will never make my kids vacuum the house this often’ are still with me to this day – so when my daughter relates her teenage angst to me, empathy I’ve got.
After I mention this to my husband he naturally, and appropriately, brings in the much-needed reality check. You told her what? Where? Who will drive? We aren’t signing on for the house; lets make sure we are on the same page with this. Yes, yes, I tell him, of course you make sense, she’ll be ok, we will make sure she is prepared.
Months go by, time pushes fast and right before me this past week I watch her walk a path and move a tassel and all of a sudden she’s done with public education and beach week is days away.
We had already mandated that she and her girlfriends attend a ‘come to the parents’ meeting to review the dangers of the trip. She is accustomed to these meetings; we have created these for other serious ‘rite of passage’ events – driving, getting your first car, turning 18 and the change in curfew, etc. These meetings have sign-in sheets, hand out documents and sometimes show a PowerPoint illustrating our well-versed mandates.
Yet I realized I was ill prepared for this trip and for this meeting because the more research I did, the more fear crept in. The statistics for beach week (by the way, this pertains to wherever there is a beach, they all experience the same challenges) illustrate more than the occasional drunk teen. Quickly and repeatedly I read accounts of beach week grads jumping off of balconies, contests to see who can hook-up (still amazes me that this slang has replaced ‘having sex’) and lots and lots of binge drinking.
Then I learn of a documentary, ‘The Haze’ about a Colorado teen who dies three weeks into college after binge drinking at a fraternity event. The more I research, the worse it gets. The stats are horrifying.
Binge drinking. Tons of shots. Drinking upside down. Drinking from some apparatus that has a hose on it. Mixing wine, beer and liquor for the ‘effect’. It’s enough to make me the terrible, mean Mom who changes her mind on a big decision. I realize that the real answer is teaching and preparation.
I recently saw some movie footage showing interviews with parents, asking them what they felt their primary job was in terms of taking care of their children? The most common answer was to love them. Some answered to parent them and then to let them go, or to enjoy them, or protect them, or a worried helicopter Mom’s answer, to pull out the best in them.
My take on this is a bit different – I have always felt that I was handed these little beings filled with love and life and my job was to teach. Teach them the basic skills of life. Teach them how to look someone in the eye and shake hands. Teach them how to how to handle crazy Aunt Toots during the holidays when she says something totally inappropriate to them. Teach them how to reframe the expected setbacks in life so they don’t feel so put upon. Teach, teach, teach.
And so I approached this beach meeting with the same philosophy. I was going to teach, come hell or high-water. On a dark humid summer evening this week, the girls all piled into the dining room with their long hair and flip flops and excitement to get this last one obstacle before them completed. The beach awaits.
Two and a half hours later we were done and they were appropriately taught. And quiet. And maybe, just maybe, a wee bit wiser. We reviewed the PowerPoint, we talked about boys and how they are at a different place in life than they are, we talked about the buddy system and safety and even riptides and jellyfish. We reviewed budgets and keys and insurance. We watched the documentary ‘The Haze’.
As the patched together saying goes, the teacher is really the student and learns from his students – and yes, I learned. I learned that though they are 18, they are really big kids. I learned that they are still growing and learning and trying to figure it out. I remember this now; I guess I was the same way.
We all heard the same information, and though I am sure this made an impact, I can only hope it sticks. Beach, boys and being young are strong contenders. Here’s to teachers everywhere in every form and fashion.
P.S. If you want a copy of the PowerPoint send an email to: kimromancorle@me.com with the subject line ‘Beach’ and I’ll send it you 
What’s this all about anyway?
Ew it’s kinda nasty out there isn’t it? Storms and earthquakes, big and small, continuing fights about healthcare and Sarah Palin whacking around her sarcastic banter, not to help in any contributing way, but merely to help her. And I could go on. Frustration with the simple inability to ‘get back to normal’ is shared across the country. Things seem dicey and patience appears to be running thin. This is all pushing us along, especially those of us that can’t ‘remember’ (and let it be said, the lack of memory could be due to my new best friend, Ms. Menopause). But all of that said, if you are looking to feel better and find a wee bit of inspiration, we should venture into your thoughts and look at your perspective, for this is the very one thing you can control.
I could share stories of heroism from the blizzard out east or the inspiring stories from the people of Haiti, or the beauty of a new baby that I know who recently joined all of us (welcome Jacob!), but when we are beyond the ability to take it in, we close up. Maybe, with a little bit of luck, a good cup of hot java, and some quieting music in the background, I can help pull you out of the hole of darkness.
Let’s establish some ground rules so we are all on the same page:
1. Life isn’t fair. Fair cards were not handed out when you were born. Although many of us suspect that there are those who were secretly handed one as they left the hospital by the on-call angel nurse who tucked it under their blanket, the truth is we were all given the same blank canvas.
2. Life is a mystery. No matter what you believe, who you worship, dead or alive, how your spirituality guides you, we are all working on the scaffolding of faith. Faith is the leap we take on belief. Belief is how we reconcile our journey. There is no religion or factual guide that has all of the answers. There is much we know, and much we don’t. Or, as I quietly put it one night to my roommate in college during an incredibly reflective time after a crush that went bad, changing my major midstream and learning that my ‘life’ was just one flavor of many, ‘Life is the weirdest thing in the whole wild world.’
3. Life is what we make it. This is where my fire smolders a bit, I am constantly amazed at the entitlement many demand. Here on the east, we are in the middle of blizzard number two. Anyone who has visited Washington, D.C. knows that the likelihood of this area being ‘READY’ for something like this is slim to none. No, we don’t keep 67 extra snow plows available for storms that come once very 100 years and no, we don’t have steadfast plans for disaster when roofs are caving in due to the weight of snow and roads are covered with ice. Some of this could be better, yes, but for the most part, we are crawling our way through this. And yet, yesterday I heard about people throwing snow at plows because they had taken several days to come and get to some side streets. Really?
Ok, so now we have our guiding rules: nothing is fair, we don’t understand everything and how we get through any of this is up to us. Focusing on the ‘up to us’ part is my specialty. Along with thousands upon thousands , things have happened to me that I couldn’t get my hands around, that I couldn’t understand. And so. And so I stand outside of it and I look at it. And I find gratitude wherever I can. We can always start with the basics. IF you are reading this, you have your ‘faculties’ meaning you are alert, able to process, your mind is working and you aren’t struggling with a debilitating mental illness, then let’s give thanks. If you are reading this from a computer and you can READ which means you are educated (no matter the degrees or the grades, you have more than most), let’s give thanks.
The hard part comes when we all go, ya, whatever, I can read, I am here, big friggin deal. Digging deeper we will go outside of ‘us’ and look beyond. Travel a bit. Look down the block or over the ocean or in another city. What will you find?
There is the woman crying quietly because she is a woman and not allowed to have a fair trial, no matter that she was raped. There is the small 8yr old who is passing in the next 24hrs because there is no cure. The war hero who can no longer walk or care for himself is now in a home with substandard care and hasn’t had a visitor in two years. There is the neglected teen who wanders the streets looking for identity and when he can, pushes drugs into his system to numb the pain. These are the obvious examples but there are more.
There is the family who is in debt, has a sick child, and is in the middle of a storm which means Dad can’t get out and make money to pay the bills. There is the single Mom who is worried about her daughter, thinks she might be sexually active, could have a STD and is working two jobs to keep the house so they don’t have to move again. There is the farmer who is depressed beyond compare. The weather has handed the latest blow and the crops won’t survive or produce this year – which means more debt and the possibility of foreclosure. There is the Mom who is facing her second bought of cancer and was just let go and is trying to figure out what to do for work. There is the young newlywed who can’t find a job to save his soul, he has applied to everything he can find and now faces the reality of living with his in-laws.
Deeper still: there are mothers, brothers, uncles, sisters and stepfathers – there is some of everything in some foreign country, doing what they can every day to keep peace on our soil and do their part for our military. They wake up every day and never know what is coming their way. People hate them and they aren’t sure why but they fight and they show up and they try hard.
There are entire countries in bankruptcy, some run by drug lords and some facing disasters beyond their comprehension. And yet, on we go. Every single day, every single minute, every single second, you have one ability that is shared across the globe. You can choose how you look at things. You can choose your thoughts. You can choose your perspective. Nothing – no disaster, no person, no situation, no hurt, can take that away from you.
Pollyanna has left the building, I know it’s not easy. This doesn’t mean that all is well and there is no pain or heartache. It does mean that some of this is just junk to move through, things to process and put in their place while you remember that you are still here, with us, enjoying these moments. ‘This too shall pass’, is one of my favorite quotes. Father time is our friend, as time moves on, things change. That is the constant you can count on. Change.
And with change comes the new. Things move along and you are given a new view. When you see things from another mountain top, you can see the struggles around you. We all swim in the same emotional waters – we have the frustrations, hurt, anger, resentment and loss. But in the river, you will find the rest of us, some at different places, some that are delighted, happy and carefree. Yet we are all in this life pool of shared dilemmas. You are not targeted and troubles are not just given to you to carry.
During one particularly difficult day I had years ago, I realized that my despair was something that many before me had encountered. It hit me square between the eyes – I wasn’t experiencing any feeling that others hadn’t experienced before. That gave me comfort, knowing that I was part of this beautiful ‘life’ experience – and that I wasn’t alone or singled out or some sort of test case for suffering. I was simply alive.
Still stuck? Then just move a bit- use your body to work it out, something has to give, when you exhaust yourself it’s much harder to be bottled up. No matter what may come our way, I send you the gift of knowing that you are in good company and never alone.
As the wise have said before me, ‘choose your thoughts, choose your life.’ Take heed, take care and take time for you. You are simply not alone, we are all in this together. Hugs and love.
Thank you to Lori Brooks – 97.1 WASH-FM
A HUGE thank you to Lori Brooks from 97.1 WASH-FM for interviewing me this morning. In addition to her morning show, Lori hosts a Sunday program, ‘Women of Vision’ at 7:30 a.m. (I know, it’s early) and interviewed me today. She is fabulous, a big thank you!
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