The success of self-help: depth of awareness by asking better questions.
When it comes to self-help, self exploration, transformation, growth, etc. they all have one thing in common – you get better results by going deeper and asking better questions. So what exactly do I mean by this somewhat obvious and ominous statement? Let’s dive in and explore it together.
We all remain in the same spot or same mental state when we simply look at our lives in one dimensional terms: I am bored, I am unhappy, I am lonely, I am overweight, I am struggling financially, etc. What happens when we start to add another dimension to the mix and start asking ourselves targeted questions? It’s a skill we often overlook. Better or targeted questions are not just the simple plain-jane questions of ‘why’? Why am I X, Y, or Z? Why does this always happen to me? Why is it hard for me to lose weight? Why can I not find a partner? What is wrong with me?
A better question would be what choices did I make that lead me here? Then go deeper: What decision could I make at this moment, on this one day, in this very hour that would shift my eating or relationship habits? This small nudge, this little different question will shift your entire outlook. You are taking back your power, you are owning your life and your experience. Now we are getting somewhere.
Keep going deeper and asking yourself more and better questions. What alternate activities could I engage in when I am bored or lonely besides hours of television and bags of calories? Since I know that Mr. Wonderful isn’t going to be knocking at the front door, how can I get more involved with other groups or activities? What skills or interests do I have that would benefit other people less fortunate? How can I best serve others? Not only do these questions go deeper, but they become less ‘me-focused’. Some of the better questions come out of our experiences….
Experience makes us wiser: How will I feel after I buy those shoes, eat that second sleeve of cookies, or go out ‘just one more time’ with that negative, destructive person? Our desire for comfort is a strong seductive pull leading up to that moment and often times during the experience, but then what? Often times the experience of what comes after can be a wonderful deterrent and great learning lesson. For instance, as we get older we know that the third or fourth drink in the evening is a bad idea because we know how sluggish we will feel in the morning and we value a productive, healthy day more than the extra drink.
The flip side of this experience is to take a moment to be fully aware and remember how you feel after something great has happened. Even though I feel like procrastinating on this difficult and intimidating project because I hate the work and am not sure if I will do a good job and I just know it will be hard, I also know I will feel productive and successful when it is over. I have worked on challenging projects before and have figured them out and I felt great about my accomplishment! I have succeeded before and I can do it again. The sooner I get started the sooner my feelings of fear will turn to triumph.
So what is the essence of all of the tons of self-help books, seminars and information that is available? I will tell you what it is – it’s the A-ha moment. The book, the chapter, the paragraph, the sentence, the moment, the concept that made you say “a-ha, I see myself in that example”, or “that’s exactly what I do or how I feel when I spend, eat, get into a relationship, or “I get it, I had never thought of looking at my issues that way” and of course, one of my favorites, “It’s not just me, other people have the same issues”, etc. Those A-ha moments are the catalyst for growth. They are the pre-amble to asking yourself better questions. They are a blessing and a gift to help you along your path.
And so as you continue your journey, try this new approach – shift your questions and shift your perspective. How wonderful to be able to manage this process and pull from your past experiences to move you forward. We are entering a new decade and embracing a new year and there’s no time like the moment of now to start asking better questions.
How to self-protect in three simple steps.
How do you take care of your emotions? Use boundaries and take care of you. Just as fences are for safe playgrounds, boundaries are for safe relationships.
Have you heard about the concept of boundaries and how to create more boundaries in your life lately? Whether this concept was introduced to you through self-help books, divorce groups, 12-step programs, therapy, parenting guides or just a good friend, you probably have tested this concept in some form or fashion.
Setting boundaries is not the same as simply saying “no” to behaviors or requests. Don’t get me wrong, setting limits on what you will tolerate or how involved you will get is certainly a component of setting boundaries, but it is not as black and white as just affirming your “no’s”. Boundaries are movable, adaptable means of protecting ourselves in order to maintain healthy and safe relationships.
You might think that the most difficult part of setting boundaries is actually verbalizing this to another person, but once you set yourself up to win, this will be a very easy and freeing part of the process. Here’s how to begin:
Step One: Believe in your rights. Believe you have a right to stand up for yourself. Let me express that again. First and foremost you must feel worthy of accepting good, healthy behaviors from others and in turn, rejecting those that compromise your self-worth. Think of it this way, if you say “yes” to a request or a behavior out of fear (hurting someone’s feelings, they might not like you, you are not good enough to say “no”) you are lacking enough self-worth to set healthy boundaries for yourself.
Have you ever been frustrated watching a family member, friend or colleague take too much grief or accept too much guilt? For a moment, let’s consider the possibility that someone in your life has had that same frustration because you were the one ‘taking it’. It is so much easier to see the good and worthiness in others and try to help them see it than it is for us to see it in ourselves. It is your responsibility to yourself to decide how you will be treated.
A simple trick for this is to remember you are not only doing yourself a favor but you are doing the other person a favor as well – they need their boundaries too. It’s healthy living and creates healthy relationships.
Step Two: Learn from past situations. Have you ever been in a situation when your feelings were hurt or you felt boxed in and it wasn’t until later that you knew what you would have liked to say in the moment? Silly question, right? Of course you have, we all have. The best thing to do in that situation is to think through or journal those responses. Really think about how they would be received, how your words could be adjusted so that your response would clearly state your feelings and limits while still showing compassion for the other person.
Consider starting your sentences with “I feel…” rather than “You hurt me…”. By owning the statement and stating how you feel with an ‘I’ statement you do not take on the identity of the anger nor do you blame the other person. Beginning a sentence with ‘you’ creates something for the person to defend, a small shift to using ‘I’ keeps the statement with you. Now that you have found healthy ways of reacting to that type of situation, the next time something similar occurs you will have your dialogue ready, stored in your mental filing cabinet. Your responses will be well thought out but also delivered in the moment. How powerful is that? If we don’t learn from the past we are doomed to repeat it – sound familiar?
Step Three: Letting go of the outcome. When you know you can and that you should be setting boundaries and you have worked out what to say to reaffirm those limits, you have set yourself up to win when the time comes to express your feelings. Now, the big reveal – and the most freeing part of this process – letting go of the outcome. What I mean by this is to try not to let how other people will respond or what they might think about you impact your desire to keep boundaries or affect your actions. I know it is hard to imagine, but can you feel how freeing it will be when someone else’s opinion of you does not influence your behavior or prevent you from speaking up for yourself? Wow, huh?
Please be assured that learning this might take some practice. I used every trick I could find to learn and be comfortable with this process, including writing out notes and statements before I would confront particularly difficult people.
There is a well-known saying “Your opinion of me is none of my business”. Seems a bit harsh when you first read it, but in essence, it is not saying “I don’t care what you think”, but instead says “I don’t own what you think”. Dr. Wayne Dyer speaks of this issue quite extensively and to summarize, he believes that someone else’s opinion of us says more about them than it does about us. We tend to project onto others our own beliefs and insecurities so if someone does not like you for this or that reason, chances are they feel inadequate or threatened by that characteristic that you represent to them. A bit confusing, I know, but think of it this way, if you were to know what everyone was thinking about you and you tried to change their beliefs or please everyone, you would be running around in circles. What some people admire in you, others scorn. And it’s the same with you – you like some people and not others. That’s ok. So in the end, let go of how you think other people will respond to your boundaries. Let go of the fear of not pleasing everyone. Let go of the outcome.
I offer you the following blessing:
May you feel a strong sense of self. May you know your acceptable limits. May you be comfortable expressing them. May you not own the feelings of others.
What boundaries do you regularly protect? Where do you feel you need stronger fences? I would love to hear your insights and questions below.
Want new strategies to feel better that don’t come from your wallet?
It’s an inside job baby! Close the wallet and open the soul.
Aren’t many of us guilty of this? We feel bad, lonely, not worthy, depressed, or sad, and we reach for the easy fix. A quick trip to the mall. A dinner out in a new outfit. A fast car. New kitchen cabinets! And yet, deep down I think we all know that you can’t buy your way out of bad feelings. Feeling better is an inside job – and it’s your job to manage.
You know the feeling when you purchase that fabulous outfit made by the best designer ever and yet when you put it on, you feel bad about yourself because you don’t look ‘perfect’ – the truth is, it’s a reminder that you haven’t lost the 10 pounds from last summer and then you feel a bit bummed.
Likewise, let’s say you do something rude or mean and you didn’t mean it and that feeling of ‘jeez, what the hell did I do?’ lingers, so you run out and use money to fix the problem – you buy a lovely gift to make up for your behavior. This makes the other person feel better (and you feel better about your own behavior) – and yes it’s a short-term solution, but hey, it works!
Money comes and money goes. You get a raise. Life is good. And yet, there are still those nights when you are bored or lonely so stopping by the ole shopping mall becomes a good distraction. As you turn in for the night, you rationalize with yourself because indeed, you would like some new pants so really it’s no big deal.
Besides, there are a lot of people around and the idea of seeing new things, and having something to enjoy when you get home is enticing. A few weeks later, not only is that moment quickly forgotten, but the rush fades into frustration as you open your mail and realize your debt has expanded and your payments are now taking more of your daily cash flow.
And here we are today, almost mid-December. With only a short time left before the holidays, the pressure is on to buy the perfect gift, have the perfect outfit and deck the halls better than ever. But to what end? Are you looking outwardly to get validation, affection and comfort when this is yours to provide for yourself?
Outside fixes, using money and spending are just quick hits while the caring and feeding of you is an inside job. The real challenge and the harder thing to do is to own your feelings, own your actions and own your behavior.
In honor of Jim Rohn (if you are not familiar with him, check out his site, www.tribute.jimrohn.com, he was an incredible motivator and philosopher and he recently passed away), I offer his sage advice:
“Giving is better than receiving because giving starts the receiving process.” – Jim Rohn
Try these tips to move you along of nurturing yourself and working on this inside job, you owe it to yourself to take care of you.
1. Take 10 minutes each morning to reflect on what is great in your life – start the day in silence with your thoughts on gratitude
2. Send out at least 1 message of gratitude per day. Simple and genuine messages sent through a thank you card, a quick thank you via email, or a social media shout out will work – just one a day will make a difference.
3. If you owe someone an apology, just give it, without bearing gifts or expectations as to what you will receive in return.
4. If you could have handled a situation better, take stock and commit to do better next time. Forgive yourself and let it go.
5. Every evening for a week, write down five things you are grateful for before you go to sleep. It could be having a warm bed or dating someone new. Anything at all will help you focus your thoughts on gratitude.
6. Contribute your time or talents to a local non-profit.
7. Commit to watch 1 hour less television per day. Really, as entertaining as it can be, it also just takes your time and often sends negative messages.
8. Look through your shelves at the books you have purchased but never read or finished – commit to finish one this month.
9. Foster or improve at least one new relationship this month – take a step forward and make the effort.
These are things you can do to improve your self-worth and value internally. Your confidence will shine through, you will attract like-minded people and you will be richer for it…. internally.
Or as Jim Rohn would say, ‘if not you, then who? If not now, then when?’
Mind, body and soul – the hidden pull.
Gravity: grav-i-tee – Noun, plural, the force of attraction by which terrestrial bodies tend to fall toward the center of the earth, heaviness or weight.
When you think of the word Gravity, what comes to mind? Falling, heavy, inevitable, unstoppable, powerful, inertia, age, etc. What about the expression, “the gravity of the situation” which means the seriousness, the importance, the severity of an issue. Pretty daunting, right?
We all know that it’s the grace of gravity that keeps us grounded so to speak. It keeps the dirt underneath our feet and the water in our ocean. Gravity impacts everything. Not just your skin, your ears and your muscles. But over time, the daily grind of life’s challenges and the ebb and flow of experience and the continuing movement of time as you move along life’s path, the pull, the ‘gravity’ of life can weigh down your mood and your life.
So take heart and get in place with where you are. It is easy to get into the routine and therefore, the mindset that it’s all the same. It takes more effort to counteract the natural pull of life. Our outlook often needs a nip and a tuck to pull us up – something positive, something wonderful, something new.
Be the watch-guard of your energy and the master of your thoughts with these strategies:
Fresh perspective: Really take notice, this takes effort – look at your neighborhood, your workplace, your routine with new eyes. Pretend you are visiting ‘you’ – see the beauty in it all. Drive home using a different route.
Explore outside yourself: Either in a book or on the web or from a movie or a educational TV show – everyone doesn’t live like you do – some of us are born into poverty, some into wealth, some into warm climates, some into families that travel. Look around.
Make small changes: Eat something new. Listen to what the kids are listening to. Travel on a bus or a train. Just get outside of yourself to shift your perspective.
Hand it back: Volunteer, find others in need, go to a hospital or a nursing home. Visit with those that have no company. Do errands for those in need. Lend a hand where there are none.
Going back to move forward: The longer I live, the more I see, and the faster it all seems to go by. Getting back to the carefree days of youth and trying to remember how it feels to be excited with all that is new is often tough for us to remember. What triggers that feeling for you? For me, it’s a Slurpie and a candy bar. Food I would never buy now, is something I loved as a teenager. What music did you listen to? I heard a song by Boston (the name of a great band don’t you know, if you haven’t heard of them, check it out) recently on a warm breezy night and I immediately wanted to get a beer and sit on a car outside because that is what I did when I was younger. My friends and I would sit outside and just sip and share. It was a relaxing way to engage and connect. The music took me back in time. It was so nice to feel that feeling again as the world was at my feet and I knew I was part of a larger whole.
With all the pull of the daily grind comes the realization that You have come a long way, baby! Treasure the accomplishments, the lessons and the journey. Gravity will always be there, but it doesn’t have to bring you down.
The Emotional Timeline: Secret to feeling better.
“The Secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, nor to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.” – Buddha
Do you remember the first time you heard about this phenomenon called “living in the moment?” The concept seemed simple enough, right? But what about the application of it to your life? Was it a bit more complex? A little too cosmic perhaps? A little woo woo? I was right there with you. I could not immediately understand how to shift my life and my focus. It was not until I applied it directly to the concept of my emotions did it all start to really jell for me. Indulge me a bit and I’ll explain.
I come from a mindset of making strategies and tools that are simple to understand and easy to apply. For me, the ‘in the moment’ tool that has worked for me (and for a lot of my clients) is looking at our emotions as the equivalent of a timeline. Think of it this way – on the left side of a line is what has happened, or the past, in the middle of the line is the present and on the far right of the line is what is going to happen or the future.
Emotional Timeline
In the Past: Regret, guilt and shame are emotions that connect with something that has already happened. We feel guilt about what we did or didn’t do or regret for what we should have done. We all seem to have these feelings at one time or another, right? But what good are they? They are in the past and there is nothing we can do about it. I know, easier said than done, but really think about it. What change can you make to that past event except to look at it in a different way? That is your only means of control over the past.
I have a client whose one year anniversary of being laid off is coming up soon. She is depressed, still regrets her reaction to it and still feels resentment towards her former boss about the way it was handled. This anniversary is not for a few more weeks so my question to her is simply this: why are you rehashing these emotions every day up until that ‘dreaded day’ and why do you only view this as a negative event? You never liked the job and now you have a chance to find another path. How glorious it is to be closer to your true purpose! How great it is not to have to be managed by that boss ever again! It was a very prestigious company and you learned a lot and have the benefit of the 7 years experience on your resume. Reframe it and try to look forward to that day and celebrate your freedom with a nice meal shared with friends. Onward and upward!
Now moving along the continuum to the far right…
In the Future: When it comes to the most frequent of emotions about the Future, what comes to mind? (worry and fear goes here, anxiety and stress are in the moment! ) Worry and fear. We worry about things that could and might happen. We spend time with this fear in our bodies while we focus on what we think will be the worse case scenario that could ever happen. In essence, we are living with and through it twice. Again, the only control we have over the future is to make good choices in the present. And to let go of what could be because we are putting good energy after bad.
So that leaves us with present…
The Present: Right now, in this hour, on this day, at this very second, what are your emotions? (unrelated to past or future events) You might have stress and anxiety about your present circumstances, your relationships, your work, your health or your finances. You can admit it, it’s okay. Now what if we took the present emotions of anxiety and stress and stacked them on top of those of the past and the new ones of the future? Wow, pretty overwhelming, right? Imagine if you had to work through all of these emotions, from every section of your time line? What a load to carry!
But you don’t. No, you don’t have to even look to your left or your right on the timeline. Just deal with what you are feeling now.
Where is the present stress coming from? What about the anxiety? Work through the process, pinpoint the situational source, (without pointing fingers or assigning blame). What can you do in this moment, this hour, this day to relieve those emotions? That is the only emotional work you need to do right now – dealing with the emotions you have in this moment. Nothing else matters as it relates to the past or the future. Just now. Right now. Don’t cover them up, stuff them down or hold onto them for later. Living in the present moment means just that – LIVE. Live for a healthy Now.
When you look at your emotions along this time line, it’s easier to manage them and to work through the challenges they provide because you can ‘place’ them in a spot and understand where they come from and why.
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